You are in the commercial centre of the city for a film and while you are in the vicinity you decide to drop into the bookstore and also squeeze in some long pending shopping. On the way back you are caught in the traffic and finally you are happy to be back in the 'comfort' of your own home after 5 hours of crowd and noise.
And your heart melts when a bouncy dog greets you at the gate and receives you with manic display of affection. Isn't it wonderful to know someone missed you so much? Life seems so beautiful.
Your want to slip your tired feet into the pair of comfortable slippers you use indoors and where are they?
"Munni, chappal?" and the maniac happily bounds off leading you to the back of the house. On the lawn are an assortment of slippers and socks along with your hairbrush and the dupatta you had worn that morning.
And the garden itself looks as if a`wild elephant just passed through it - plants pulled out of the ground and pots, lawn dug up in four places and the garden hose chewed up in several bits.
You try to catch the culprit and she runs all around the garden thinking it is playtime and she is all set to play "catch me if you can."

What about the other inmates of the house? How did she get up to this? what were they doing?
As expected,you find the son at the computer table and the husband behind a pile of newspapers - positions from which they might reluctantly budge if the roof falls on their heads. The acorn didn't fall too far from the tree - well that would have been too much of an effort for those genes.
"Hello, do you know what Munni has been up to?"
"Oh, she has been very quiet all this while. No problem at all."

The battle can wait. A cup of tea first. So you head toward the kitchen or what used to be the kitchen for now it resembles TV pictures of a scene after a natural disaster. The garbage bin has been carelessly left open for Munni to sneak in and play with its contents.And while sweeping the floor you pick up a long piece of black pasta which you would recognise later to be the remnants of your mobile phone charger!

Welcome to a "normal' day in the life of the owner of a thoroughly spoilt dog.

The scene could be straight from that charming tale of Marley, the world's worst dog - Marley & Me. Some of us are blessed with special kind of dogs. They never obey a rule, they never learn a trick and even if they learn, they will make you lose face by ignoring the command when you are proudly trying to show off. These are dogs that are deluded that they are humans and that they are so special that they can get away with their worst.And they usually do because they have the extra ordinary gift of making their home with hopeless dog lovers like me and John Grogon, the author of the book 'Marley & Me'

If you love animals for what they are and not for what they can do, you will love Marley & Me. The book is full of amusing anecdotes involving the huge, dumb, disobedient and yet totally adorable Marley - but every dog owner knows how 'amusing' these must have been at the time they happened. It takes unconditional love and unending supply of patience to put up with some of their childish shenanigans and it is a lot of extra hard work but worth every bit of it if you can draw up the balance sheet and see what they give you in return. As John Grogon says in the book:

"Was it possible for a dog - any dog, but especially a nutty, uncontrollable one like ours - to point humans to the things that really matter in life? I believed it was. Loyalty. Courage. Devotion. Simplicity. Joy. And the things that did not matter, too. A dog has no use for fancy cars or big homes or designer clothes. Status symbols mean nothing to him. A waterlogged stick will do just fine. A dog judges others not by their color or creed or class but by who they are inside.A dog doesn't care if you are rich or poor, educated or illiterate, clever or dull. Give him your heart and he will give you his. It was really quite simple,and yet we humans, so much wiser and more sophisticated, have always had trouble figuring out what really counts and what does not."

He might tear a wall down when left alone in a thunder storm or ruin a handwoven Persian carpet but then he would also follow his master everywhere,climbing stairs not minding the ache in his legs and knees ravaged by arthritis till his last days. That kind of devotion is something you cannot buy for any amount of cash.
For everything else, as we know, there is master card.

Marleys and Munnis - they make us see the essential aspects of life and try to make us better human beings.

I grew up in a family in which the women especially indulged in some blind practices without ever questioning them; they just followed what was handed down to them from their mothers and mothers-in-law. Grandmothers were a powerful force in the families and one saw a docile mother implicitly obeying her - no questions. There could be disagreements at the personality level but when it came to traditions they were hand in glove.
Some of them were pretty elaborate like those relating to birth, marriage and death. Some seemed more like habits of someone with OCD like the way one had to clean one's hands before and after touching several things. The concepts of "Madi" and "Pathu" in a Tambrahm household needed the skills of a rocket scientist to unravel. For the uninitiated, Madi is when you had to be clean and pure to do certain things like cooking and pooja. This involved having a bath, often wetting your hair too and wearing clothes that have not been touched by anyone who is not practising Madi. Pathu is an extreme form of hygiene which meant not mixing cooked things with uncooked things. But it is not all that simple as it seems - the finer intricacies are mind boggling. Suffice it to say I always did something wrong and incurred the wrath of my grandmother whose madi and pathu I polluted.

As a teenager, I used to be fascinated by some of these practices and angry about the discriminatory ones. But whenever I questioned a tradition or a ritual the answer was the same:
"This is the way we have always done it in this family." If I persisted more I was told that I was going to make the Gods angry and they would pierce my eyes.
That was a powerful threat.And when I got married one of the important and repeated advices I received from my aunts and grandmother was:
"Don't be impertinent. Learn the practices in their house and follow them. Else it is your children who will suffer."
What?

The best part was that even though I married another TamBrahm there were so many subtle variations in the practices in their family and deviations were not tolerated. And when I asked my m-i-l for the rationale I got the answer:
"This is how we have always done it in this family." How enlightening!

And that is exactly how traditions and rituals get perpetuated - unquestioning obedience, irrational fear and blind faith. Once the ground is fertile with these nutrients it is easy for those wielding power to use these effectively to reap their benefit. So many practices still thrive around the world on the only excuse:
"We have always done it this way and we do not have to change." Remember the recent cases in Haryana where the Panchayat separated a couple and took away their children for they married within the same gotra? Remember our discussion here on the power of Horoscopes and defects in natal charts?


Female circumcision a.k.a female Genital Mutilation (FGM) has been in practice in many African countries for over 2000 years. It is still practiced in over 40 countries.It involves some very crude and dangerous methods done without medical assistance in many villages. This summer 2 girls died in Egypt after they were subjected to the procedure and there was an angry furore over this. The Egyptian health ministry banned the practice but the public reaction was that the ministry had no right to question a cultural tradition:

Osama Mohamed el-Moaseri, imam of a mosque in Basyoun, the city near where the 13-year-old girl lived, and died. “This practice has been passed down generation after generation, so it is natural that every person circumcises his daughter,” he said. “When Ali Gomaa says it is haram, he is criticizing the practice of our fathers and forefathers.”

Most parents fear that no man will marry an uncircumcised girl as it is a symbol of a woman's honour and chastity! You can read what WHO has to say on FGM here.
Such a dangerous and barbaric practice and yet people defend it on the grounds that this is how we have always done it in our community.

How come we abandon all reason, judgement and humanity when it comes to tradition and faith? Why is there a reluctance even to question it and understand it even from people who suffer under the weight of it?
Reminds me of a story a friend forwarded:

A group of scientists placed 5 monkeys in a cage and in the middle, a ladder with bananas on the top.Every time a monkey went up the ladder, the scientists soaked the rest of the monkeys with cold water. After a while, every time a monkey went up the ladder, the others beat up the one on the ladder.
After some time, no monkey dare to go up the ladder regardless of the temptation.

The scientists then decided to substitute one of the monkeys. The first thing that this new monkey did was to go up the ladder. Immediately the other monkeys beat him up.
After several beatings, the new member learned not to climb the ladder even though he never knew why.

A second monkey was substituted and the same occurred. the first monkey participated in beating the second. Soon all the monkeys were replaced.What was left was a group of 5 monkeys that even though never received a cold shower, continued to beat up any monkey who attempted to climb the ladder.

If it was possible to ask the monkeys why they would beat up all those who attempted to go up the ladder…..
I bet you the answer would be….
“I don’t know – that’s how things are done around here”
Does it sound familiar?

I agree that every culture has its own peculiar traditions but it is necessary for successive generations to evaluate them against external changes and see their relevance and usefulness. While I am all for preserving our culture and best traditions, it is important to throw out those that have outlived their purpose, those that have been proved unscientific and those that are repressive and barbaric. That things have "always" been that way is no excuse. Now is always a good time to throw them out and become a more humanistic society.

Last friday I had the misfortune of driving to the city railway station and then the airport which meant not just braving the usual traffic woes but two additional ones. Namma Metro work had started right in the heart of M.G.Road which meant a wait at the Mayo Hall junction for a good 20 minutes. There was a flight to catch in about an hour's time and we had not factored in this new development. Namma Bengalooreans are not surprised by these any more because this has been the story of our lives for the past 5 years - roads blocked /barricaded/made one way for overbridge constructions/ widening of roads and now for Namma metro.
The second thing that I noticed was the proliferation of Hijras begging - actually they were demanding money - at the various traffic signals. This was never the case in Bangalore - perhaps a stray one occasionally but never so rampant. Where did they come from? Certainly they were from Karnataka as they spoke Kannada.

I am ashamed to say that my initial response was one of revulsion as if it was their fault that they were so. I wondered why they were let loose on the streets in stead of being locked up. But then for what crime? It isn't their fault that they are
physically and psychologically different and cannot have access to a decent job. All applications have a column for saying Male/female. So what do they specify there? I suppose they have been forced into begging and prostitution because society has denied them access to more decent means of livelihood. I have seen some of them act aggressively or indulge in lewd gestures at train stations in Mumbai but I guess that is their rebellion against being treated as non persons. Historically they have enjoyed a modicum of acceptance in Indian society where they were employed as guards to protect the ladies, or royal court dancers and they had some roles to perform during all weddings and child births in the community. It is possible that contempt for them began in the British Raj days when authorities supposedly "attempted to eradicate hijras, which they saw as "a breach of public decency."

Where I grew up, we do not have the tradition of involving Hijras in weddings and child births and so my only knowledge of them came from mythology and history and some grotesque portrayals of eunuchs I had seen in films. So it was a shock when I saw them in flesh and blood for the first time in a Mumbai train when I was 36 years old. He/she came and sat right next to me even though there were other empty seats. I was terrified and so I got down in the next station and took another train to my destination. Fear of someone different? societal conditioning? Ignorance? I do not know which but that was my reaction to a perfectly harmless person whose only fault was being different from what I knew to be normal.

According to the Wiki article they "they face extreme discrimination in health, housing, education, employment, immigration, law, and any bureaucracy that is unable to place them into male or female gender categories". And they are in extreme danger of HIV infection.
It seems to me that they can be integrated into society by absorbing them in jobs which require physical strength which they seem to possess in plenty - traffic constables? Security guards for buildings? construction workers? Apparently some districts in India use them as tax collectors. I am sure there are many areas where they can be employed and taken away from begging and prostitution.

One thing bothers me though. Even though these people do not seem to have a gainful employment or an assured source of income they are always dressed in good saris or salwar suits and wear make up (albeit cheap) and jewellery. Do they make enough to afford all this or do they have the backing of someone else who provides them with all this and makes money out of them?

I don't remember when I first started looking at feet -I think it was during my first year in college while travelling in a "ladies' special" bus to college. As`I climbed the steps my book fell down and as I bent down to retrieve it I saw these feet making their way forward- like two tiny stuffed rabbits -soft,white with a touch of pink around the border,nails painted copper. The feet moved away and lost themselves in the crowded bus before I could look up and check if the feet had a matching face!During the 30 minute journey I kept an eye on all the feet that went through the exit door hoping to find them again. No luck! these feet were obviously travelling farther than my stop.

This was a peak hour bus and commuters on such services were usually regulars - students and office goers who invariably took the same bus day after day.So in the days that followed it became a game for me to look for these feet and eventually I spotted the owner and if you must know, the search was not worth it. She had a very uninteresting face - very fair skin,lifeless eyes, didn't look like she ever smiled and seemed suspicious of everyone. Thereafter the half hour bus journey became more interesting as I would first look at the feet and conjure up a face matching those feet and then look up to check how close I was. Some owners of neglected feet had faces carefully made up, some had very ordinary feet but very pretty faces, some of the most beautiful feet were in the least flattering footwear even though the rest of the costume would be carefully chosen- only very few people were endowed with feet as pretty as their faces and even less number of people cared for their feet as much as their faces. But of course this was 1974 - for the middle class, beauty parlours were places to visit only for bridal make up. Tweezing eye brows was just becoming the fashion and you had to be rich to be able to afford facials and manicures and so pedicures came way down in the list! if you cared about your feet, you applied cream from milk or curd for softening, or soaked feet in warm salted water and then used soap for cleansing, and the rough granite surface of the washing stone was ideal for rubbing feet to get rid of dead skin. And then you slipped these feet into plastic or rubber slippers (leather was too expensive for daily "rough" use!)And we had just a pair of slippers at a point of time while some had an extra pair for occasions.

Even today while waiting at the doctor's clinic or any place where slippers are arranged, I slip back into the habit of making a mental image of the owner - height, weight,age, dress etc. If I am lucky I get to verify my image with the original and I seem to be getting better in my judgement over the years. Except this one time when I saw this lady come out the doctor's consultation room and slipped her feet into an enormous pair of men's slippers. The shock almost killed me!

It is perhaps because of this curious habit of mine that I get very self conscious if anyone looks at my feet - I immediately try to hide them under the sari ( saris are very useful this way) or try something to distract eyeballs away from my feet as I am suspicious that the viewer is trying to judge me from my feet. (what do they say about a thief knowing another thief better!) I do have a friend who shares my fascination with feet but she doesn't stop with looking at them. She photographs them. Read about it here.
Little wonder then that it was she who spotted me wearing Hawaii chappals to the French class and with mismatched straps to boot! I must be really fond of life - anyone else in my place would have jumped out of the window that day!
So that was my punishment for having judged people by their feet and footwear all these years!So have I stopped it now?? No, I am hooked and now it is impossible - My eyes and mind get totally out of control when they see slippers and feet.
Foot gazers anonymous, anyone?

You are in the supermarket pushing a trolley full of grocery and you meet this acquaintance from your colony who greets you with "Came for purchase huh?" What would you say? I have this strong urge to say: "Not at all, I do this for my afternoon exercise. Keeps my arms in shape and saves on the gym fees!" But I always smile and ask "how re you?" in return. See,I am a nice gentle soul with a mind that gets out of control when exposed to such questions.

And I seem to attract these questions like the proverbial pot of honey that attracts flies.We had a general body meeting of our colony's association on Sunday. One of the office bearers greeted me and asked me "How was your trip to the U.S? You have come back no?"
Whaaat? of course I have come back. wasn't I standing in front of him or did I look like a webcam image? Then it occurred to me that he was asking me if I have already gone and come back or was I yet to go.

I used to work in this office that occupied the top floor of the building and while waiting for the lift, I was always accosted with a very perceptive "going down?". Where else was there to go? Of course I was going down. Unless they thought I was lingering near the elevator to have a smoke.
Almost every other day when I am out walking the dog someone asks me "Taking dog for walk?" I Could tell them "It is our mealtime and we are out food hunting" Or I could say that we are marching for cruelty against dog owners but I am not sure the message will get across so I assure them that we are taking a walk.

Perhaps these people have a career cut out for them - television journalism. Have you seen the way the TV journalists shove the mike in front of Rahul Dravid after winning the series and ask him "do you feel happy with the result?" or ask Priya Dutt after her brother Sanjay's sentence "are you shocked?" or when they asked Amitabh Bachchan (with rings on all his fingers with stones, some to ward off bad luck and some to bring luck) "Are you superstitious?" or when they asked Abhishek Bachchan "Do you miss bachelorhood?"
Well, as the saying goes, there are no stupid questions.It is perhaps your thinking that makes it so.

10.8.07:
Mysore,India.

A 22 year old woman suffered severe burns when her husband forced her to drink acid and when she refused, he disrobed her and threw acid on her.
He had been harrassing her with dowry demands for several years now. Earlier when his demand for motorcycle was not met, he tonsured her head and paraded her in the neighbourhood.
The report here says that the “police said Fairoz, a scooter mechanic, married Fathima about nine years ago and the couple have four children, two male and two female”.
Married at 13,the poor girl has seen all there is to see in one lifetime of misery. And from what the doctors say, she may never see again with her eyes.

9.8.07:
The family who iron our clothes was missing for a week and finally the lady came today to collect my clothes. I asked her where she had been. The family had been away to her village where her husband’s niece had died. They had got her married three months ago and by the month of ashada (aadi in Tamil) an instalment of dowry was due. The parents could not meet it and so the in-laws and husband drove her to suicide by hanging.
I asked her if they had lodged a police complaint. There were 2 reasons why they could not.
1. The girl was just 17 and should not have been legally married.
2.The in-laws had powerful connections and had got the death certified as natural.

31.07.07
Here is an excerpt from this report in Businessweek:

“Last year, Singh's grandson Abhijeet married Priyanka Singh, the daughter of a businessman in the northern state of Uttar Pradesh. But within months the couple split and Priyanka returned to her parents home, alleging that she had been physically abused.”
"My daughter was tortured and beaten up black and blue by her husband and in-laws who used her to demand more dowry. They were asking for a Mercedes Benz car and a flat in New Delhi," Madhvendra Singh, the bride's father, told The Associated Press from Moradabad, 185 miles southwest of Lucknow, the capital of Uttar Pradesh.

All in a matter of 10 days, cutting across caste, religion, social and linguistic barriers.
Why are 13 year olds and 17 year olds getting married and bearing children when they rightfully belong in schools?
How much perception is needed to see that a guy who expects his prospective bride to bring cash and a scooter for him can be good for nothing?
Where can the poor girls go when even their own parents treat them as a burden to be offloaded to someone as soon as the opportunity arises?
If daughters cannot rely on their parents to do what is best for them, where can children go?
If parents cannot take care of their children, why do they have them?
What is the use of having laws if there is no effective implementation?
How many more women must die before these people become human?

One advantage I had with my French teachers was that many of them were closer to my age and we developed a bond as friends outside the teacher -student equation. One of my teachers used to come from a residential school outside the city and I used to pick her up halfway and the drive to and from the Alliance Francaise used to give us a lot of time to discuss issues as parents and she also brought in her perspective as a teacher.
Once we were discussing child abuse and I spoke about it as if it was a western problem and we in India, of course had no such problems. Then she told me how rampant it is in India and even in rural India. She told me of an instance where one of her students, an eighth grader, used to be very happy in school and reluctant to go back home on vacations. And whenever she came back from vacation she was always moody, quiet and upset. So once C, my teacher decided to talk to her and after much coaxing the girl revealed that she was being sexually abused by her father's brother and she was scared to talk about it to anyone in her family as he was respected by everyone in the family. C was furious and she summoned the parents and told them what the girl had revealed to her.
Now here comes the part that makes my blood boil. The parents refused to believe it and called the girl a liar and attention seeker. They labelled the girl difficult and were furious that she would come up with something so perverse about someone who was like a father to her! And they were angry that the girl was ruining the family's reputation. This is what happened when you sent girls to such fancy schools, they said!
The girl went back home at the end of term and never returned to school. They took her out of the school.

I wonder how many young girls are being assaulted with the connivance of the family and the fact suppressed in the name of family honour. I hope not many but when have hopes been true in such matters! And this is the country where parents do not want sex education in schools as they feel the child's innocence will be lost.Perhaps they feel it is better for their girls and boys to learn it in this way from perverse uncles and servants and god knows who else.

And the statistics are scary. As The Rational Fool says in his comment:

Usha, I thought that you and the readers would be familar with the study on Child Abuse INDIA 2007, sponsored by the Ministry of Women and Child Development Government of India. Here I quote some relevant findings on sexual abuse from a survey of 13 states with a sample size of 12447 children, 2324 young adults and 2449 stakeholders:

1. 53.22% children reported having faced one or more forms of sexual abuse.
2. Andhra Pradesh, Assam, Bihar and Delhi reported the highest percentage of sexual abuse among both boys and girls.
3. 21.90% child respondents reported facing severe forms of sexual abuse and 50.76% other forms of sexual abuse.
4. Out of the child respondents, 5.69% reported being sexually assaulted.
5. Children in Assam, Andhra Pradesh, Bihar and Delhi reported the highest incidence of sexual assault.
6. Children on street, children at work and children in institutional care reported the highest incidence of sexual assault.
7. 50% abuses are persons known to the child or in a position of trust and responsibility.
8. Most children did not report the matter to anyone.

And those of you who are parents, teach them about "good touch" and Bad touch". Answer their questions scientifically and truthfully. please give your child the benefit of doubt, whoever it is that he/she is accusing. There is no family "honour" at the expense of of the crushing of a child's soul and having her scarred for life.
Speak up - against these wherever you find them!

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On a related note, it takes tremendous courage and a lot of support for the victim to stand up and make the issue public and seek redressal. It need not always be physical - it could be innuendos, sexist remarks or anything that offends one's dignity as a woman. There is nothing that needs to be treated as a a joke and tolerated. if you find it offensive and uncomfortable you do not have to put up with it. I do not know how many working women are suffering in silence as they do not know where to turn for justice. I am proud to direct you to a fellow blogger who has set an example herself and also gives you information on your rights at the workplace and what you can do against gender discrimination and abuse at work place.
Please stand up for your rights and your dignity - if you don't you are not only suffering in silence but you are colluding in a perverse crime and perpetuating it. This is your duty to yourself and other women.
Speak up!

In the past week many of us wrote about the kind of things we are judgemental about which also included what we cannot stand, what makes us avoid people,what grosses us out, what we positively detest in people. It is funny how a lot of us cannot stand something and yet there is a large chunk of humanity that continues to do that very thing blissfully unaware or insensitively insistent.Not much one can do- especially if one is married to a card carrying member of the opposite camp.Well, you can blog about it and take comfort in the fact that you are not alone if anyone bothers to leave a comment agreeing with your peeve. There is nothing more comforting to the human heart than the fact that you are not alone in your misery and someone else is equally or more miserable. Life seems so fair.You might even look upon the perpetrator of the misery with a little understanding next time.
Anyway that was not the purpose of this post.

While I was reading the long lists of what we cannot stand, some totally irrational, I realised that we humans have a tendency for the exact opposite too - to be fascinated by some habits/ attributes/ mannerisms/ types of behaviour. Not heroic virtues but simple habits which you are attracted to for no reason.
For example I am extremely fascinated by fastidious eaters - you know the type who completely ignore the elaborate description on the menu card and tell the maitre d' how they want their salad? the ingredients, the dressing and the way they want it arranged in the bowl/plate? or how they want their ice cream with hot chocolate sauce around not on top and nuts on top not around etc?
Like the scene in the film "When Harry met Sally - remember this conversation?

Waitress: Hi, what can I get ya?

Harry: I'll have a number three.

Sally: I'd like the chef salad please with the oil and vinegar on the side and
the apple pie a la mode.

Waitress: Chef and apple a la mode.

Sally: But I'd like the pie heated and I don't want the ice cream on top I
want it on the side and I'd like strawberry instead of vanilla if you have it
if not then no ice cream just whipped cream but only if it's real if it's out
of a can then nothing.

Waitress: Not even the pie?

Sally: No, just the pie, but then not heated.

Waitress: Uh huh.

Well I am the type who, like Harry, says "I'll have a number three" and eat it with a smile and leave a 20% tip and leave with contentment. So I am extremely fascinated by those sallies who can be so clear about what they want and how they want it.

And I get fascinated by watching people who handle their food like it is a piece of art. Once I went to a restaurant with this friend from Portugal and he ordered some fish steamed "just so" and then topped with butter. Then he ate it so beautifully that anytime you looked at his plate it seemed lovely - you know the way work in process pieces of art sometimes have a way of looking lovely all the way to their finish? It was like that - only in reverse! You could have taken it and served it to someone else! When he was done there was just the beautiful unbroken skeleton of the fish on the clean plate, still looking lovely. As i write this I can relive how delicious it felt just looking at that plate although I have no clue how that fish tasted.

This is why I love watching meal scenes in films - remember America's sweethearts where Julia Roberts decides to indulge her depression by hogging pancakes and butter in the restaurant? ummmmmmmm, made me drool so much that I went and made a couple of pancakes,slathered butter on top, drowned it in maple syrup and ate it at 10:30 in the night while watching the film! I am crazy that way!!
But remember,NOT any meal scene. It must be eaten beautifully, just the right amount shovelled into the mouth and eaten with mouth closed and no talking with food in the mouth and the right expression indicating bliss. Not the way Joey attacks food in Friends. Food must be treated like a piece of art -not like food, for me to want it!! Didn't I tell you I am crazy?

I am also fascinated by some friends who come to parties and eat parathas and oily gravy with their fingers without even staining the tip of their nails and their lipsticks remain intact throughout. And here I cannot drink a glass of water without wiping my lipstick clean!!I sometimes have a suspicion that they don't eat but just hold their plate as they are worried about their lipstick and fingers. Perhaps they go home and mix a large bowl of rice and sambar and attack it with abandon and then lick their palm and fingers clean for a good measure. Must be such a release!

These "fine" dining habits may actually say nothing at all of the other person - outside of this one fascinating habit, the person could be a total Bush or Osama Bin Laden which you might realise later. But then I always remember them with a little lenience because of this. Totally unreasonable, wouldn't you say? But hey, no one is perfect!

10,000,000 female infants killed in the past 20 years in India.
There are states like Haryana where there are just 760 females for every 1000 males.
Causes: sex selective abortion, female infanticide.

Why is there a preference for a male child?

1. You need a son to carry your family name , to ensure continuity of your family line.
What family name and lineage are we talking about when one is struggling to provide two square meals for everyone in the family? The only things that are being continued are more misery, poverty and perhaps some genetic disorders.

2. The belief that you need a son to perform your last rites so your soul will attain peace.
If they really believe in the above, do these people think of what punishment there may be for killing a child? or do their scripts give them a justification for that too? ( I do not believe in heaven and hell but I do hope they rot in something close to hell. I would like to invent a Hell for them right here as a deterrent for others.)

3.A girl means expense as you have to pay dowry and get her married.
Educate the girl please and she would take care of herself without necessarily needing a man to support her. Or she will find a man who is willing to marry her for what she is and not for what she brings.And how many years is it since dowry became a punishable offence? Please make the punishments more stringent.

4.You need a son to take care of you in old age while a daughter goes away to another's house after marriage.
Well there are good for nothing sons who have no means to take care of their parents. There are drunkards who are a constant source of trouble. There are those that leave their parents in old age home as the parents and wives do not get along.
So how can you be so sure that your son will? Make sure to stand on your two feet at any age.

5.I already have a few daughters. So I want a son so the family is complete.
Father, mother, daughter and son - looks like a perfect picture in photos but life is never perfect. Daughter or son they are your children. How many abortions will your wife go through? How many girl children will you kill? If you still feel that you need a boy, adopt one.That is a certain way of making sure of the gender of the child.

Half a million girl children killed every year and yet there are people who object to banning of gender detection tests. Why?
"I want to get my blues or pinks correct." "I want to start relating to my child from the time he/ she is in my womb. It would help if I knew if it was a boy or a girl." (why would you communicate differently depending on the gender of the child? is there something called bluetalk and pinktalk!?)
Anyway these are "nice-to-have" desires that need to take a back seat in the context of the larger issue which merits the banning of such tests.
And some argue that it is a "right" you cannot take away from the parents.
What about the "right" of that female child to live?

And this is a country where women are supposed to be seen as images of Goddess Durga and Lakshmi. What a country of hypocrites we are? We invoke our scripts and religion when it suits us and do what is convenient for us when it suits us.
With so many years of foeticide, Haryana already faces a situation when there are not enough brides for all the men. So men are buying brides from other States for as little as Rs. 5,000 - a state where buffalos cost more Rs. 40,000. These women are available to all the men in the family. A slave wife for the entire family - can their be a worse degradation for a woman?

I know it is futile to write about it in this forum as no one who reads this needs to be told all these facts. I am just steaming off - trying to see in what way we can stop this crime and injustice. We can inform our maids, perhaps sponsor the education of their girl child. We can make sure never to make gender discriminatory statements and counter them whenever someone says it even in jest.We can treat our sons and daughters equally. We can boycott films and TV programs that have gender discriminatory themes or dialogues. (protest loudly even when it is a "superstar" who says:"after all a woman!") We can be examples of what a woman can be and can do.We can help change the mindset.

Or
we can simply ignore the statistic that half a million girl babies are killed every year and read the supplement on woman power that came with India Today.

P.S. For some more on the same topic here is a poignant and better researched post by The Rational Fool.

I get very worked up when someone makes a comment like "just the kind of thing THESE PEOPLE do". "These people?" What do you mean?How many of "those people" do you actually know who are like THAT? and what about the kind of things YOU PEOPLE do? I argue endlessly and I pride myself on my acceptance of people as they are for what they are. I consider myself non judgemental and as someone who defends the right of everyone to be the way they want to live their lives.And then The Madmomma decides to expose me by asking me to list what I am judgemental about.Me? judgemetal?? How dare you madmomma?? or wait a minute... may be one or two tiny little things. Let me think...

Ok, here's one. I judge my NRI cousins who come back on their 4 week vacation and grumble about all that is wrong with India.How they miss the old world charm of India and why must we have baristas and malls and all that. It is no different from being in the U.S.
(Excuse me, this is not a museum of 16th century life. We live here day after day and would appreciate some of these too in stead of having to fly over to NewYork for our shopping.)

2. I judge my cousins again when they say how much they miss "home" but "what to do?"they "have to" live in the U.S where the quality of life is so much superior and it is all a sacrifice they have to do so their kids can have the best.
(Do you know 1 billion people actually live here ? ya, children too and our mortality rates are declining! Guess what, we have hospitals and doctors and some top class educational institutions. internet? ya that too!)

3.I judge people who hit their kids. I think violence is an expression of their impotence.

4. I judge people who don't love animals.

5. I judge people who are too lazy to give their dogs a nice name and call them Jimmy or Rosy. I judge them when they use them as workers and do not spend a few minutes talking to them or playing with them.

6.I judge people who are in too many casual relationships as in sleeping around. I think they are either too insecure or too depraved.

7.I judge people like Aishwarya Rai whose smile doesn't seem genuine - you know a smile has got to be in their eyes ,from their soul and all that?

8.I judge people with an accent - not a tamil or telugu or malayalam or punjabi one but those who have lived in India all their lives and put on an american accent!Worse when they speak their mothertongue with an accent.( Enku Tahmeel saryA varAdu)

9.I judge people with flamboyant CVs.

10.I judge people who use too many buzz words in ordinary conversations.

and...and...and....
Oh my god, I am a bigot. I am totally prejudiced. I am too judgemental... I need help!

Now all of you who come here who haven't done this already, tell me what you are judgemental about. Come on be a sport! I won't judge you. As you know I never judge...

I am looked upon like a bit of a stranger when I visit my relatives and it is coffee time. While their tastebuds are getting ready for a treat alerted by the smell of fresh decoction dripping down the filter and the smell of milk put to boil, I ruin the atmosphere by declaring that I want tea.The shock on some of the faces might make you think that I just announced that I was converting to another religion. People who know that I am a fairly reasonable person try to see the reason behind such a stupid choice. They gently ask me if there is a health reason.They feel let down when I say "No, I love tea." Silence follows as their thoughts trail along their stunned expressions in invisible subtitles: "how could you?" "You, traitor" "Et tu Usha?!" "Are you OK?"

Waking up to the aroma of true brew (NOT BRU!) South Indian Filter coffee is my earliest memory - perhaps this was a time I was still in my mother's womb. And this was a tradition I proudly carried on after marriage. One of the beliefs in our tribe is that a girl's culinary skills need no further proof than her ability to brew a good cup of filter coffee and a potful of Rasam. I passed with flying colours on both counts.Each time fresh milk would be boiled and fresh aromatic decoction brewed, I'd "warm the cockles of their heart". You should have heard the proud and smug look on my mother in law's face when visitor's would come to see the new bride and she would tell me to make coffee for them. I was their star daughter in law , a jewel in their crown.

And then fate intervened when i was posted to new Delhi for my first job. The first day at work and it was 10:30. The canteen boy placed a cup of coffee on my table and I hungrily took one sip of it and nearly threw up. What was That? It tasted like poison for sure! A spoon of instant coffee in a cup of thick milk and three spoons of sugar!I spent the rest of the morning fighting a head ache and contemplating the wording of my resignation letter. In the evening I discussed this with a close friend and she said ,"Try tea. It is difficult to spoil a cup of tea unlike coffee." So I cheated for the first time just to save my job.What started out of necessity became a passionate affair in the years to come and soon I could not stand the smell of coffee!


Now Tea, for me, is not a beverage. It is a mood, it is a spiritual thing. I drink it not to shake off lethargy or kickstart my brains. It is not a ritual but a rite and I drink it to celebrate, to savour the moment, to relax, to pamper myself. Tea moments are special when the world around me ceases to exist. Those are moments when I am there and tea is there and the moment exists. Nothing else.

As the japanese say "Zencha ichimi," - Tea is Zen.


One of the contemporary Tamil poets, Vairamuthu,my favourite, has written a whole ode to Tea. Please read it; it is called: Alukoru kOpai.

I have tried a rough translation below but it is tough to capture the essence of Tea or the beauty of Vairamuthu's words in a translation:


Ode to Tea
(Alukoru kOppai by Vairamuthu)

Tea times are flash festivals.
Teacup is a compact shrine
Tea is an accessible God,on call to grant your desires.

Firing up the lips and caressing the tongue with warmth
stroking each bud to wake up to its taste
Sweet and faintly bitter
as it descends down the throat
the blood vessels flare up like blooming buds;
brushing past the heart
like a romantic brush against
the fringe of a lover’s sari.

Arriving in the intestines, it ignites the switches in the brain
and the soul is near salvation.

Tea embodies the five elements.
Earth that has seeped all over the leaf through the roots
Water that has lost itself in the essence of the leaf
Fire that made the sweet brew
A waft of air announcing the aroma of the tender leaf
Sky that had washed the leaf in tiny droplets of rain
The five elements locked up in a cup that bubbles with Tea.

But folks
you do not know how to drink Tea.

You stare elsewhere without looking at its golden hue
You chatter empty words without listening to its bubbles

Drinking tea is not a ritual like kissing a wife of years.
Every sip is a hungry kiss of new love;
Should you not,then,close your eyes
and kiss your tea?

Locking lips with the loved cup
as you take a noisy sip
you must lose yourself and transcend the present
in a momentary death
and rise to the region between
the sky and earth and wander among clouds
and then...
fall back with a thud
again on this earth

You, who do not grasp the essence of tea
how will you understand
Life
Death
God
Love
Atom
Universe
and
my poem
that waits last in your line
palm against its cheek?

once upon a time, to be precise last saturday, I was on my routine round to ensure all was ok in the garden and guess what I found? This beautiful pot broken at the mouth. I know I toppled it while chasing a mouse there behind that pot this morning but who broke it? Oh god, all circumstances point to me although I know I am innocent as I always am.



"I've got to do something real quick. Mom will come around soon and she will spot it immediately and I then I will be in deep trouble."









"The broken piece must be around somewhere here. I will have to find it and put it back before she sees it. Aha, gotcha!"










"OOps! No luck, that doesn't sit. and worse it has fallen inside the pot! Mom is here and I am as good as dead! A life cut short so soon. adieux!"









"Or may be, if I bury my head inside the pot she won't find me! If i can't see her, she can't see me either, can she?"










"Yay, That worked. She went away after calling me a joker! Now I need some rest.

Phew, that was indeed close. But as they say where I come from, all is well that ends well.

And all of you there, thanks for dropping by. Have a great day! Try stretching on the grass if possible.Don't worry. Be happy. That is the secret of my energy!"

Padma who has pointed out the extremes we could be headed for if the female foeticide and other wrongs against women continues passed the baton to me for my take. On a serious note, we both share a lot of concerns on the status of the girl child in India, female foeticide and the discrimination that uneducated poor women still face overtly and educated employed women face covertly in this country. So on both our behalf, I present the serious side of issues relating to feminism.

What does feminism mean to me? I hate labels and usually stay miles from any isms because I do not want to become rigid in my thinking. But certainly I will not stand by and let anyone, man or woman, treat me or any other woman shabbily in my presence just because of our gender.I cannot be stopped from doing something because "women don't do it." For me there is only one criterion for deciding what I can or cannot do - whether it is right or wrong from a humanist point. I am not unduly sensitive or paranoid and dont go about looking for discrimination everywhere with a microscope but I will not tolerate even in jest expressions like "after all, she is a woman" or "a woman should behave like a woman" ( so often heard in Tamil films and on Television - "pomblai pomblaiya irukanum" "after all ponnu nee, unakke ithanai thimir irundaal aambilai avanukku evlo irukkum?")

I shared her outrage when I read Shruthi"s post about sending bangles to Sachin.

I laugh when educated women - women hailed as women of substance marry peepul or banana trees because they have a flaw in their horoscope, or observe certain type of fasts which are meant to keep their husbands in good health or give them longevity of life. Yes I know a medical doctor who observes Savitri vrat.Needless to say I do not consult her anymore on medical issues.

I am repulsed when doormat like behaviour of women is romanticised - for example portrayals of Paru and Lolita on the big screen; Worse when young women copy this behaviour and voluntarily subject themselves to abuse from their lovers, all in the name of love. Sunita's post here reminded me of this.

It sickens me when women models promote beauty products in advertisements so that a woman can be more alluring to her man

Today we have come a long way from the traditions of child marriage and Sati and the misery of Widows in Benares and in law we are all equal and yet we wait for someone else to "allow" us to be free, to "give" us our rights.
As long as the sense of equality does not come from within us, no one else is going to get it for us. As`The Rational Fool says in this post women have to rebel wherever they find discrimination. To fly you need to use your wings and your lung and muscle power not piggyback on someone else.

I do not feel the need to refuse to cook or to wear trousers or burn the bra to assert my belief that I am equal to a man. His attire or behaviour is not the reference point for me to be considered his equal. I am convinced that I am as human and deserve everything that he does and will not be "told" what I can or should do by Man or Woman.
I do not consider myself a feminist but do share the same plight as Rebecca West
"I myself have never been able to figure out precisely what feminism is: I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat."

The status of women in India and my views and those of the readers of my posts has been discussed in this space in many of my earlier posts here, here, here, here, here and here.

I have known many of my generation and those of the younger generation tell me that things have changed "a lot" since independence and today's women are equal in every way. I know some of these people personally and see an illusion of freedom and happiness in their lives. They have always been "allowed" to do what they wanted - so they assume they are free. Perhaps there has been no conflict of interest. The actual power balance comes into play only in situation of conflict of interest:
"in marriage, he respects woman as wife and mother, and in the concrete events of conjugal life she stands there before him as a free being. He can therefore feel that social subordination as between the sexes no longer exists and that on the whole, in spite of differences, woman is an equal. As, however, he observes some points of inferiority – the most important being unfitness for the professions – he attributes these to natural causes. When he is in a co-operative and benevolent relation with woman, his theme is the principle of abstract equality, and he does not base his attitude upon such inequality as may exist. But when he is in conflict with her, the situation is reversed: his theme will be the existing inequality, and he will even take it as justification for denying abstract equality."
(Simone de beauvoir, Second Sex)

So it might be a good idea for every woman to assess her situation and see if she is really free and equal - if she is really free to do anything she wants to even when it challenges a man's ego and pride. Secondly whether a woman is able to identify with another woman primarily as a woman irrespective of every other point of difference between then - caste, language, religion, economic status, colour etc. and whether they are able to express outrage at the insult and support for the victim wherever they find a woman discriminated against.
Therein lies the hope for the future of woman power in India.

The past couple of days I have been part of a discussion that I never imagined I would ever get involved in and been hearing the types of arguments I thought happened only in fiction and films. But this involves very close family and shocked as I am, I cannot completely walk away.

I received a call from a very close relative who is the mother of two girls. The elder daughter is about to finish her engineering next month and already there was talk of a marriage proposal. Initially I assumed that she had found her partner and it was their decision. The mother quickly denied it and said it was a proposal initiated by common friends. I could not comprehend what the tearing hurry was if it was an arranged marriage as the girl wanted to do her management studies too. So the story unfolded. Apparently the girl's horoscope has a quirk whereby Venus sits in her 7th house (whatever that is supposed to mean) but the import is that this could affect her spouse. But...(as you know there is always a way out!) ya, but if they can find a boy who had a similar quirk in his planetary positions, then it would cancel out!
I heard a lot more on planetary positions and their effects and how we cannot afford to ignore them particulary when it would affect the spouse blah blah...which I sat through out of politeness but will spare you.
In my disbelief I checked the calendar. yes it is 2007 , there hasn't been a mistake and yes it was happening for REAL!
And hence the hurry to have her married as they have found a similar match!

In the course of this bizarre conversation I also heard that even a very famous Indian Beauty has a defect in her natal chart, only in her case the villain is Mars. Apparently she has had to do a lot of poojas and procedures to counter the effects and here comes the best: astrologers have advised her that one of the ways to overcome the problem is to get married to a banana tree. When the tree dies the planetary requirement is satisfied and the person is free to marry anyone of her choice! Imagine marrying a banana tree and getting a family name of Musaceae..or even better Mrs banana,heheheh!

Please, if you believe in the power of planets, at least don't make them sound like a 2 year old who can be cheated by such tricks like marrying a banana tree. And the good news is that the Planets don't care for our stupid lives.Guess what, it is true, but we ARE NOT important to them, not a tiny little bit, NO! Not even if you are one of the world's most beautiful women and not even when your fiancé's father is a legend in India! If any planet's position or changes are to have an effect on human lives it is the Earth and not Mars or Venus or Saturn. 2300 years ago some curious Babylonians observed the sky and tried to draw some links between our lives and their position. And today we still want to surrender our lives to these unverifiable hypothesis and speculations of some guys who make a living by peddling these fears and superstitions.

The following which I quote from an interesting article here: should be adequate to point out how willingly humans walk into the astrology traps:

"The famous French Astrologer, Michael Gauquelin, offered free horoscopes to any reader of Ici Paris, if they would give feedback on the accuracy of his supposedly "individual" analysis. He wanted to scientifically test his profession of astrology. He sent out thousands of copies of the same horoscope - and 94% of the readers replied that his reading was very accurate and insightful. What they didn't know was that the horoscope was that of a local mass murderer, Dr. Petiot, who had admitted during his trial that he had killed 63 people."

"So while it's handy to blame our misfortune on the stars, Julius Caesar was probably closer to the truth when Shakespeare had him say, "The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, But in ourselves..."

In recent times people have been reminding me that it is time for me to graduate to the status of a mother-in-law. When they approach me with proposals for what they consider to be "suitable" girls for my son, I do not know how to react.It seems so inappropriate. Some have even asked me what kind of a girl we are interested in (you know the slim, fair,"good" family line of criteria!) and I have had to disappoint them terribly by saying I have not thought about it at all. It seems beside the point what the parents want because ultimately what matters is what the boy and the girl want.I am convinced that arranged marriages will not work for the present generation young adults. They want to be the ones to find their partner and do not want to delegate it to the parents which is very good and very mature.And given the strong individualisms and egos of this generation, it is necessary that they know each other well before they take the plunge.

What interests me is not the matrimonial deals but the relationship changes in the two families after the marriage. Knowing that my turn would come sooner or later, I have in the recent years been a keen observer of the relationship dynamics between the young adults after their marriage and their parents. A few blogs I have visited over the years have also given me a perspective on some of the issues.But since there are more d-i-l bloggers and less m-i-l bloggers I find that we are underrepresented in the cause and decided to speak on behalf of my ilk.

While most girls seem to ensure that their closeness to their side of the family, especially parents remain as close after their wedding, parents do not seem to figure too much in the consideration of the boys.Particularly if the parents are financially independent,emotional dependence of ageing parents doesnt seem to figure anywhere in the considerations.They seem to only think of themselves, their career, the girl and their life together even when they are the only child of their parents. And when the sons themselves don't care the daughters-in-law do not make that extra effort to bond with their in-laws who become complete outsiders in many cases. One of my relatives with a similar experience told me "in earlier days we brought a daughter to our house when our sons married . These days we send our sons away to his wife's house."

I am not saying that the girls should become outsider to their own family after marriage like our old customs dictated.It is wonderful that even in cases where marriage may put a geographical distance to the family the emotional bonds remain just as close. But why is it too difficult to see that the relationship between parents and children are the same on the other side too and make that little effort to integrate into the other side of the family? I have known girls who are extremely popular and affectionate with their own family and friends but who'd like to maintain a distance with their husband's family just so that they are not taken for granted. I understand that these may have been formed on watching some bad saas-bahu relations between their docile mothers and tyrannical grandmothers or in their neighbourhood or on Television serials. But isn't it unfair to prejudge a person based on her role even without giving her a chance? And when you approach the relationship with sucha prejudice, how much chance are you actuallly giving it?

One of my friends collected speciality saris from all regions of India for 5 years before her only son's wedding to present to her daughter in law at the wedding and the girl told her ,"No mummy, these are not my type of saris." Another had her gifts of jewels rebuffed in the same way. Why? what is the big deal? In official relationships we bend over backwards to please arrogant bosses and go out of our way to be good team players - why is it tough to give in a little to please an old lady who gave birth to your husband and perhaps played a large role in making him all that you love about him today? There are issues when you should learn to stand up for your rights or put your foot firmly down but emotional intelligence is also about knowing when to give in a little without feeling insecure.

If only the young girls would try to give the relationship with their husband's family a fair chance in stead of typecasting people based on their roles! and if only the boys would learn a lesson or two from their own wives on how to treat their own parents! Old age is not about comforts and luxuries but about feeling loved and wanted and it takes very little to please parents most of the time.So if you ask me what my expectations from my son's wife would be, it is just someone who would give me as much chance as she would give her mother in our dealings.
Is it too much to ask?

A recent visit to the bangalore palace and the courtyards there reminded me of the inner courtyard (called Muththam in Tamil - the atrium in English) in my grandmother's house where I spent many summer evenings as a child. And in a recent mail asha reminded me of this too - nostalgia made me go back to this post and the courtyard.

When they lived in joint families, the houses were always built with a private space for women . This was the inner courtyard. I remember the inner courtyard in my grandmother's place . It was after the kitchen - a squarish space where two thirds of the roof was covered by wooden rafters supported on pillars sloping into a open space with a well and a large space for cleaning utensils covered by grill work which let the sun light into the space throughout the day.

This was the space where the women of the house spent their afternoons, many times joined by relatives and friends from the neighbourhood to make spicy pickles and papads accompanied by spicier gossip. this is where they created beautiful lacework, embroidery and other handiwork as they shared their happiness or vented their anger and frustration and bared their souls and offered and sought comfort.

My favorite memories of this space are of those late evenings when grandmother sat with two large bowl full food. Moonlight flooding through the grills and forming patterns on the floor and the cool breeze of the spring evenings . About 12 of us - three of her daughters and six of us her grandchildren would sit around stretching our palms out where grandma placed balls of food in turn. Simple food, mostly left over from after noon meal accompanied by those divine summer pickles made from tender mangoes and fresh papads roasted on a coal fire placed on Mandara leaves before each one.We exchanged jokes, solved riddles, bantered with one another and before you knew it, the enormous bowls are empty and you feel fulfilled in more ways than one.
I have not found one restaurant, in all the places i have travelled to, to beat the ambience or the quality of food that we had in grandma's inner courtyard.
Sometimes you wish you had stayed 10 and not grown up at all!

P.s: Pictures are of a space in our house inspired by memories of grandma's courtyard.


And here is the atrium at the Alliance Francaise Bangalore where I have spent many happy hours in the recent years.

I told the auto rickshaw driver to drop us off at the Cottage Industries Emporium and got busy chatting with Gita on how much the seasons in Bangalore have changed in all the years I have been here. Suddenly the auto stopped and we found ourselves on infantry road outside Cottage Arts Emporium and my puzzled look was answered by the auto-rickshaw driver with a request to check out the shop as he would get a coupon for 2 litres of petrol for every customer he brought in. He also assured us that there was no pressure to buy. So we went in determined to walk right in and out of the exit in 2 minutes.But what followed was an amazing drama and a real eye opener for me on converting the mundane act of buying into an art of negotiating a deal.

We were welcomed very warmly by one of the partners of the store telling us which region each product was from , the material used and the type of craft it represented while casually inquiring where we were from. Gita's accent gave her away (she is half Italian and half Mauritian-Indian and has lived all her life in France) and the moment he realized he was dealing with a foreigner he knew where to steer us - the ornaments section, precious and semi precious stones set in silver.

This guy would dramatically open a box, peep in and pick out a piece saying "This is something very special" and place it on the velvet tray as though it was an antique piece of sculpture and then he would admire it himself from all sides. And while we are looking at it or trying it on, he would open another murmuring "I think I know your taste now. Here I have got the one that is perfect for you." As the pieces kept coming out,I kept looking for the price tag and not finding any, asked the guy for the price. And the response was a gentle "Make your selection madam. I will give you a good price." Trying to make a selection without knowing its price always makes me nervous but Gita was'nt worried at all which made me think that she was really going to be ripped off her Euros.And if she expected any help from me, she was going to get none as I had no idea about their worth or their price elsewhere.

So she selected 3 pairs of earrings and finally asked him "How much?". In the meantime we had been served Kahwa with saffron and my instinct told me that this was going to be along afternoon.
He picked each one of the pairs and after describing the stone and the place it was from he assured us that he was giving us the Indian price and quoted the price for each.
Gita :Is that your price if I take all three pairs?
He:ah if you take all three I will have to make a deal of course.
(He picks up his calculator and after some detailed calculation takes 200 off the total.)
Gita:No, I don't want them.
(And I pick up my handbag.)
He:No madam. I want to make you happy. Ok, you go ahead and quote your price. Don't you like them?
Gita: "Not at that price, no, I don't like them."
He:This one is real sapphire and that is garnet and that one aquamarine.
Gita:No,the sapphire one is not finished to perfection. I just noticed a couple of defects. I have enough garnets. I am more interested in the aquamarine.
He: ok, I really don't want you to go away unhappy. Tell me how much you will pay for all three.
Gita:No, I don't want all three. I only want the aquamarine.
(I put the bag back on the counter and sit down.)
I notice that he is keen to know how much she is willing to pay and she is not willing to divulge it. Not yet! Later I learn that it is bargain etiquette that if you have stated a price you cannot go below it. It is understood that if he comes to that price you will take it.And once he knows your price his whole purpose is to make you go higher than that.And so you should never let him know what you are willing to pay.

He:Ok, tell me your price for the aquamarine.
Gita:See if this was less than 1000, I don't even think about it because I like it. But if you say 1000, I begin to think of whether I need it and of all the other stuff I could buy at that price, may be a Pashmina or something.
He: Ah Pashmina? You like pashmina? We have some excellent pashmina. let me show you. You don't have to buy. It is just to show you our quality.

And so we turned around to the pashmina section and he asked us if we would like some more kahwa. And I knew the afternoon was going to be even longer than I had originally thought.
The pashminas come down from the shelf, different shades and grades and we get explanations on which part of the sheep the wool came from in each case. He still wont tell us a price until we have selected what we like.Finally she picks up five and he starts with an asking price of Rs 14,500 for 5 and she refuses to budge from her offer of 10000 for 5. Meantime, an American couple have bought 3 pashminas @ Usd75 per piece right there under our eyes!

But closer to me the chess movements were being played to perfection by both, neither missing a single step or giving away any advantage to the other.He wants to wring that extra 50 per piece from her and she will take 5 or none if he doesn't agree to her price.

After 20 minutes of haggling over the pashminas, he agrees to Rs 12,000 for 6 but complaining it was his fault to have quoted us a fair price to begin with. He is only concluding this deal because he wants her to refer him to more of her friends visiting Bangalore.And he wants her to be happy!
She retorts by saying she doesn't really need them but is taking them only because she likes the quality even though she knows she can get it a little cheaper elsewhere if she looked around!
He tells us that if we can find it less than 3k in any shop in bangalore we could go back and he will reimburse our payment and we could keep the stuff for free!

And finally he throws in the aquamarine earrings too at Rs.500 (even though his break even price is 650!)and adds a gift of a pack of saffron and a papermache handpainted jewel box, all the time insisting that this was a deal in which he made no profit whatsoever. But of course, he says, one can't always do business with people, there are times one loses for gaining a relationship!

We walked out of the shop one hour later. I was completely dazed by this total new approach to buying while she explains to me how it is the same in Africa, Egypt and Turkey where the merchants are actually offended if you do not bargain. Since it a piece of handicraft or art, they do not believe in fixing a price. It is all about how much the buyer estimates it to be worth and whether the merchant is willing to sell it at that price. So the price differs between individuals and it is not dishonest at all. She tells me that they really appreciate when you know the real value of their ware, its quality and its worth. I guess this goes back to the time when the seller was also the maker of the goods he was selling! It must have given him great pleasure to talk about his ware and see them appreciated whether they were bought or not.
While there is practical sense in going into a fixed price shop and picking up what you want, this is sheer adventure. We seem to have lost out on an art for the sake of the security of a fixed price.

That was indeed a real shopping experience for someone who does not have the ability to get 50ps knocked off the price of a kg. of vegetable. This is probably the longest time I have spent shopping but I simply loved it. Next time you are in Bangalore call me, I could take you there, all for another delightful experience of 'making a deal' on a carpet or a shawl. But be prepared to spend an entire afternoon for this.

I had not focused on the issue of officially sanctioned massacre of street dogs in Bangalore as my previous posts on animals had drawm lukewarm or no reaction.But I am posting this today in response to a request received from the animal lovers of bangalore who have been active in protesting this cruelty against innocent animals. It is a sin to be silent when such things happen. Sometimes what is tragic is not the "strident clamor of the bad people but the appalling silence of the good people."

In this e-mail,Jeremy d'souza, an animal lover describes this operation:"thousands of animals have been subjected to death by strangulation, crushing their skulls with boulders after bleach thrown in the eyes to make the animal blind and docile."

These bloggers here tell you about the stories they heard during yesterday's march in bangalore protesting this cruelty in this post
"Everyone had a story to tell. Horrible stories. Dogs dragged out of their homes and taken away. Dogs killed in brutal ways. One man would block the drain once pups were inside and light a fire at the entrance. There is no need to describe what happened"

Animal lovers are not condoning the recent killings by stray dogs - but all we are saying is that there is a more sensible and humane way of solving this. Dogs have been on our streets forever? why is this problem so huge all of a sudden and why are the measures so cruel? Please also read a lovely post by Anita here on this. Sushruta's updates and startling revelations here.

If you feel that such extreme measures are uncalled for and with proper vaccination and sterilisation, it is possible to co-exist with dogs,please go and sign the petition here.

I have said this before in a post and say it again:
"Please raise your voice in protest against cruel treatment of animals for they cannot speak."

If you don't agree with me and are happy with the way the corporation and governement are going about this, I respect your opinion. But I am switching off comments as this issue is not open for a debate here.

I will leave you with a poem by Oliver Goldsmith:

Elegy on the death of a Mad dog
Good people all, of every sort,
Give ear unto my song;
And if you find it wondrous short,
It cannot hold you long.

In Islington there was a man,
Of whom the world might say
That still a godly race he ran,
Whene'er he went to pray.

A kind and gentle heart he had,
To comfort friends and foes;
The naked every day he clad,
When he put on his clothes.

And in that town a dog was found,
As many dogs there be,
Both mongrel, puppy, whelp and hound,
And curs of low degree.

This dog and man at first were friends;
But when a pique began,
The dog, to gain some private ends,
Went mad and bit the man.

Around from all the neighbouring streets
The wondering neighbours ran,
And swore the dog had lost his wits,
To bite so good a man.

The wound it seemed both sore and sad
To every Christian eye;
And while they swore the dog was mad,
They swore the man would die.

But soon a wonder came to light,
That showed the rogues they lied:
The man recovered of the bite,
The dog it was that died.

P.S: Other sites of interest:
Logicnothysteria
Bestfriends.org
EVANA
SaveBangaloredogs
Anirban

Watched an iranian film - Leila. A very insightful portrayal of a woman who is forced by her mother-in-law to share her husband with another woman because she cannot bear him children.Her husband finally gives in to her pressure only on condition that she would not leave him because he loves her very much. But in spite of all her strength she is unable to stay in the same house when he actually brings home another woman as his wife, even though she herself had given him her approval. The plot would fit as well in any Indian televison serial or film except that in this film all melodrama had been totally avoided and the feelings of all concerned portrayed sensitively.

Being a woman I could relate to Leila very well - her sense of guilt ( though entirely stupid) at her inability to be a mother and her inability to share the man he loves with another woman.But my son who watched the film along with me was completely outraged at the idea and the stupidity of the women and their whole approach to the issue. He could not believe it when I said this was as common in India even among the Hindus.

I remembered a story that my friend A had told me about her grandfather. She is from U.P. and this happened in the later years of the 19th century. Theirs was a family of rich landlords. Apparently her grandfather's first wife could not bear children. So she insisted that her husband marry again but the man loved his wife so much that he said it was impossible for him to love another woman.But his wife kept insisting until finally gave in on condition that the woman should not expect him to love her the way he loved his first wife. So they found a young girl from a poor family (one of the many daughters of a clerk who worked in their house)and fed her well and raised her in the house in order to get her married to the man when she became a woman. In`a few years the marriage happened and she gave birth to a child within a year. The child was immediately taken away by the first wife - she would be the mother of this child and bring him up. What could the poor gilr do? She knew this when she consented to the marriage, didnt she?And in the course of years, she gave birth to more children too but all of them called the first wife as mother and their own biological mother as "chhoti ma". And whatever she wanted she could not ask her husband but had to ask the first wife as that was the husband's instructions! Finally she was 60 when the first wife died, this is when the second wife became the lady of the house. By then her husband was gone too!
I have often thought about the two women and wondered whose sadness was worse -
the first wife who had to let her husband have another wife and live in the same house or the second wife who had everything and still could call nothing hers!

Perhaps for many who are in their 20s now, this might all seem like fiction. Sometimes real people are much stranger than what fiction can come up with! And guess what, the first wife in my friend's story was also called Leela, Leelavati!

A few days ago we had a discussion in this space on zoos, circuses and bullfights. Researching for more material I came across this disturbing video and write up here and here.

As for fights using animals it is another horror story - read about it here.
Please visit PETA (People for Ethical Treatment of Animals) to learn about the cruelties inflicted on animals for the amusement of humans.
As the banner line on one of the sites says:
"Please say "No" because Animals cant!"

As you come out of the Bannerghatta national park in Bangalore there is an enclosure which says: The most dangerous animal.You step in and you see yourself a mirror.May be it is true.

Can Woman exercise all the professions as Man?

It was Simone de beauvoir who said "one is not born a woman.One becomes a Woman."("On ne nait pas femme, on le devient") When I read it first I was about 20 and I interpreted it to mean that through cultivated behaviour and training which makes her gentle, charming and beautiful she flowers into a woman. I thought it was a positive thing to do train oneself and become that kind of woman. Little did i realise that it was precisely this that Simone was criticising - the conditioning which makes a person forget her personhood and become the role of a woman in its various forms - the subtle process of objectification by which she becomes something useful and acceptable for a man to have and showcase.

In the past 50 years women have demonstrated that they are equally skilled when it comes to professions which require mental and emotional skills. The balance is tilted more towards the male of the race where it comes to professions requiring physical strength. There are people who argue that a woman is not designed to do as much physical labour. I am not sure if this is true. I have seen that women who work in fields have a lot of physical strength and energy. Our body gets adapted to the kind of work we do. I have seen that if women work out with weights they develop atheletic arms .Perhaps we have not trained our body to do the same kind of physical work that men have been traditionally doing and if we started doing them I think our physique would get adapted and we could become as efficient as them there too.

In this context I remember a placard I read in a news item covering a protest by women in France which said: "There is no Housework Gene!"("Le gène du ménage n’existe pas") I guess that goes for any kind of work. We are not genetically incapable of doing this or that but it is just the rules imposed by our mindset born out of generations of social conditioning.

What do you think - can Woman exercise all professions as Man?
(I am not asking if they should or not which is a different discussion altogether.)

Well , love is in the air once again whether you like it or not - red hearts, red roses and teddies with the request " be my valentine" adorn shop windows.
Culture police is getting active in some cities to protest this "assault" on our culture.

Tv channels and newspapers are stopping people on their way to their business demanding their opinion on whether V day should be celebrated. No one has ever asked for my opinion on such important issues so I decided to use this space to air my opinion.(All those India today polls on such important issues like religion, education, sex, government, corruption etc...no one has ever asked me or anyone known to me. Who is responding to these?? Why am I not included in the sample????!!!)

Anyway coming back to the main issue, should Valentine's day be celebrated?
I believe anything that increases the general happiness quotient among humanity is to be welcomed even if it is just the gift shop owners ROTFL on the way to the bank - I welcome it. If there are more people, young and old , feeling happy today because of feeling loved and feeling special or simply because of receiving gifts, it is totally welcome.

Is anyone listening?I am all for Valentine's day, the cards, the celebrations and yeah the gifts too....but not those red hearts please I find the sight of human organs slightly troubling. I feel nausea and no love when I see a red heart.What next? kidneys and intestines? Please don't mind, i'll pass those.... I'd rather stick with wine and chocolates and cards and music ( That was just in case anyone was wondering how to make me feel special!! I feel particularly special with a bottle of Chateauneuf du Pape or Inniskillin Ice wine..)I hope there is no age limit for celebrating this "festival"??! I have been told that I will be "18 till I die", so don't let my age deter you.

Happy Valentine's day to those who think it is important and for those who don't
a happy feb 14th -hope you have a great day!

P.s: This is a post I wrote for valentine's day last year. My views remain the same and my readers have changed so I reposted it so as not to let this important day go unposted!!

I know I have been distracted with dogs and cats and their names while I ought to have been studying. But I had a genuine reason for needing this distraction - I had classes over the weekend and on Sunday on the way to class I lost my purse with all my credit cards, debit cards and my driving licence and it has been stressful making sure everything is in order. yesterday, there was a bandh call in this state and I could finally sort out things only today. So now I can get back to more serious issues for the argumentation.

Are you for or against the idea of Zoos,Circuses and games like the Bullfight?

Those who know me here know my love for animals and hence my views are definitely onesided. I am totally against circuses.
How can there be genuine pleasure in watching tigers and lions behave like frightened cats in a circus? Why do we want bears and monkeys to cycle and elephants to perform? What makes people enjoy a behaviour that is so unnatural to a wild animal? What is it they admire - the ability of the man to control such a fierce animal? What makes them want to see the king of the forest quiver before the crack of the master's whip? What makes the lion afraid - the pain of punishment?
Do human beings have a secret urge to subdue the natural behaviour of other creatures or is it a desire to feel control over others who are strong in their own way? Some times I notice this tendency among parents,teachers and bosses - an inexplicable satisfaction of ego by controlling others through fear and not by exhibiting natural superiority through other qualities.I find them so pathetic.

As for Zoos, I guess they are ok. At least the animals are not forced to behave contrary to their nature. And as their habitat is being slowly destroyed and encroached upon by Man, this is the second best alternative possible and they serve an educational and social purpose too. As long as there is no abuse and they are fed well, I suppose it is acceptable. Even then the issue is that by keeping them in cages and depriving them of their natural activities and slowly making them incapable of hunting for their food are issues that make one feel uncomfortable.

As for games like Bullfight, Boxing etc, I simply cannot find bloodshed amusing. So I cannot see why we cannot get rid of them and turn to other sports.

As I said in the beginning I know my arguments are all on sided but this is where I need your help: please throw some light on the other side, if there is one.

Are you for or against the idea of Zoos,Circuses and games like the Bullfight?