The past couple of days I have been part of a discussion that I never imagined I would ever get involved in and been hearing the types of arguments I thought happened only in fiction and films. But this involves very close family and shocked as I am, I cannot completely walk away.

I received a call from a very close relative who is the mother of two girls. The elder daughter is about to finish her engineering next month and already there was talk of a marriage proposal. Initially I assumed that she had found her partner and it was their decision. The mother quickly denied it and said it was a proposal initiated by common friends. I could not comprehend what the tearing hurry was if it was an arranged marriage as the girl wanted to do her management studies too. So the story unfolded. Apparently the girl's horoscope has a quirk whereby Venus sits in her 7th house (whatever that is supposed to mean) but the import is that this could affect her spouse. But...(as you know there is always a way out!) ya, but if they can find a boy who had a similar quirk in his planetary positions, then it would cancel out!
I heard a lot more on planetary positions and their effects and how we cannot afford to ignore them particulary when it would affect the spouse blah blah...which I sat through out of politeness but will spare you.
In my disbelief I checked the calendar. yes it is 2007 , there hasn't been a mistake and yes it was happening for REAL!
And hence the hurry to have her married as they have found a similar match!

In the course of this bizarre conversation I also heard that even a very famous Indian Beauty has a defect in her natal chart, only in her case the villain is Mars. Apparently she has had to do a lot of poojas and procedures to counter the effects and here comes the best: astrologers have advised her that one of the ways to overcome the problem is to get married to a banana tree. When the tree dies the planetary requirement is satisfied and the person is free to marry anyone of her choice! Imagine marrying a banana tree and getting a family name of Musaceae..or even better Mrs banana,heheheh!

Please, if you believe in the power of planets, at least don't make them sound like a 2 year old who can be cheated by such tricks like marrying a banana tree. And the good news is that the Planets don't care for our stupid lives.Guess what, it is true, but we ARE NOT important to them, not a tiny little bit, NO! Not even if you are one of the world's most beautiful women and not even when your fiancé's father is a legend in India! If any planet's position or changes are to have an effect on human lives it is the Earth and not Mars or Venus or Saturn. 2300 years ago some curious Babylonians observed the sky and tried to draw some links between our lives and their position. And today we still want to surrender our lives to these unverifiable hypothesis and speculations of some guys who make a living by peddling these fears and superstitions.

The following which I quote from an interesting article here: should be adequate to point out how willingly humans walk into the astrology traps:

"The famous French Astrologer, Michael Gauquelin, offered free horoscopes to any reader of Ici Paris, if they would give feedback on the accuracy of his supposedly "individual" analysis. He wanted to scientifically test his profession of astrology. He sent out thousands of copies of the same horoscope - and 94% of the readers replied that his reading was very accurate and insightful. What they didn't know was that the horoscope was that of a local mass murderer, Dr. Petiot, who had admitted during his trial that he had killed 63 people."

"So while it's handy to blame our misfortune on the stars, Julius Caesar was probably closer to the truth when Shakespeare had him say, "The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, But in ourselves..."

In recent times people have been reminding me that it is time for me to graduate to the status of a mother-in-law. When they approach me with proposals for what they consider to be "suitable" girls for my son, I do not know how to react.It seems so inappropriate. Some have even asked me what kind of a girl we are interested in (you know the slim, fair,"good" family line of criteria!) and I have had to disappoint them terribly by saying I have not thought about it at all. It seems beside the point what the parents want because ultimately what matters is what the boy and the girl want.I am convinced that arranged marriages will not work for the present generation young adults. They want to be the ones to find their partner and do not want to delegate it to the parents which is very good and very mature.And given the strong individualisms and egos of this generation, it is necessary that they know each other well before they take the plunge.

What interests me is not the matrimonial deals but the relationship changes in the two families after the marriage. Knowing that my turn would come sooner or later, I have in the recent years been a keen observer of the relationship dynamics between the young adults after their marriage and their parents. A few blogs I have visited over the years have also given me a perspective on some of the issues.But since there are more d-i-l bloggers and less m-i-l bloggers I find that we are underrepresented in the cause and decided to speak on behalf of my ilk.

While most girls seem to ensure that their closeness to their side of the family, especially parents remain as close after their wedding, parents do not seem to figure too much in the consideration of the boys.Particularly if the parents are financially independent,emotional dependence of ageing parents doesnt seem to figure anywhere in the considerations.They seem to only think of themselves, their career, the girl and their life together even when they are the only child of their parents. And when the sons themselves don't care the daughters-in-law do not make that extra effort to bond with their in-laws who become complete outsiders in many cases. One of my relatives with a similar experience told me "in earlier days we brought a daughter to our house when our sons married . These days we send our sons away to his wife's house."

I am not saying that the girls should become outsider to their own family after marriage like our old customs dictated.It is wonderful that even in cases where marriage may put a geographical distance to the family the emotional bonds remain just as close. But why is it too difficult to see that the relationship between parents and children are the same on the other side too and make that little effort to integrate into the other side of the family? I have known girls who are extremely popular and affectionate with their own family and friends but who'd like to maintain a distance with their husband's family just so that they are not taken for granted. I understand that these may have been formed on watching some bad saas-bahu relations between their docile mothers and tyrannical grandmothers or in their neighbourhood or on Television serials. But isn't it unfair to prejudge a person based on her role even without giving her a chance? And when you approach the relationship with sucha prejudice, how much chance are you actuallly giving it?

One of my friends collected speciality saris from all regions of India for 5 years before her only son's wedding to present to her daughter in law at the wedding and the girl told her ,"No mummy, these are not my type of saris." Another had her gifts of jewels rebuffed in the same way. Why? what is the big deal? In official relationships we bend over backwards to please arrogant bosses and go out of our way to be good team players - why is it tough to give in a little to please an old lady who gave birth to your husband and perhaps played a large role in making him all that you love about him today? There are issues when you should learn to stand up for your rights or put your foot firmly down but emotional intelligence is also about knowing when to give in a little without feeling insecure.

If only the young girls would try to give the relationship with their husband's family a fair chance in stead of typecasting people based on their roles! and if only the boys would learn a lesson or two from their own wives on how to treat their own parents! Old age is not about comforts and luxuries but about feeling loved and wanted and it takes very little to please parents most of the time.So if you ask me what my expectations from my son's wife would be, it is just someone who would give me as much chance as she would give her mother in our dealings.
Is it too much to ask?

A recent visit to the bangalore palace and the courtyards there reminded me of the inner courtyard (called Muththam in Tamil - the atrium in English) in my grandmother's house where I spent many summer evenings as a child. And in a recent mail asha reminded me of this too - nostalgia made me go back to this post and the courtyard.

When they lived in joint families, the houses were always built with a private space for women . This was the inner courtyard. I remember the inner courtyard in my grandmother's place . It was after the kitchen - a squarish space where two thirds of the roof was covered by wooden rafters supported on pillars sloping into a open space with a well and a large space for cleaning utensils covered by grill work which let the sun light into the space throughout the day.

This was the space where the women of the house spent their afternoons, many times joined by relatives and friends from the neighbourhood to make spicy pickles and papads accompanied by spicier gossip. this is where they created beautiful lacework, embroidery and other handiwork as they shared their happiness or vented their anger and frustration and bared their souls and offered and sought comfort.

My favorite memories of this space are of those late evenings when grandmother sat with two large bowl full food. Moonlight flooding through the grills and forming patterns on the floor and the cool breeze of the spring evenings . About 12 of us - three of her daughters and six of us her grandchildren would sit around stretching our palms out where grandma placed balls of food in turn. Simple food, mostly left over from after noon meal accompanied by those divine summer pickles made from tender mangoes and fresh papads roasted on a coal fire placed on Mandara leaves before each one.We exchanged jokes, solved riddles, bantered with one another and before you knew it, the enormous bowls are empty and you feel fulfilled in more ways than one.
I have not found one restaurant, in all the places i have travelled to, to beat the ambience or the quality of food that we had in grandma's inner courtyard.
Sometimes you wish you had stayed 10 and not grown up at all!

P.s: Pictures are of a space in our house inspired by memories of grandma's courtyard.


And here is the atrium at the Alliance Francaise Bangalore where I have spent many happy hours in the recent years.

I told the auto rickshaw driver to drop us off at the Cottage Industries Emporium and got busy chatting with Gita on how much the seasons in Bangalore have changed in all the years I have been here. Suddenly the auto stopped and we found ourselves on infantry road outside Cottage Arts Emporium and my puzzled look was answered by the auto-rickshaw driver with a request to check out the shop as he would get a coupon for 2 litres of petrol for every customer he brought in. He also assured us that there was no pressure to buy. So we went in determined to walk right in and out of the exit in 2 minutes.But what followed was an amazing drama and a real eye opener for me on converting the mundane act of buying into an art of negotiating a deal.

We were welcomed very warmly by one of the partners of the store telling us which region each product was from , the material used and the type of craft it represented while casually inquiring where we were from. Gita's accent gave her away (she is half Italian and half Mauritian-Indian and has lived all her life in France) and the moment he realized he was dealing with a foreigner he knew where to steer us - the ornaments section, precious and semi precious stones set in silver.

This guy would dramatically open a box, peep in and pick out a piece saying "This is something very special" and place it on the velvet tray as though it was an antique piece of sculpture and then he would admire it himself from all sides. And while we are looking at it or trying it on, he would open another murmuring "I think I know your taste now. Here I have got the one that is perfect for you." As the pieces kept coming out,I kept looking for the price tag and not finding any, asked the guy for the price. And the response was a gentle "Make your selection madam. I will give you a good price." Trying to make a selection without knowing its price always makes me nervous but Gita was'nt worried at all which made me think that she was really going to be ripped off her Euros.And if she expected any help from me, she was going to get none as I had no idea about their worth or their price elsewhere.

So she selected 3 pairs of earrings and finally asked him "How much?". In the meantime we had been served Kahwa with saffron and my instinct told me that this was going to be along afternoon.
He picked each one of the pairs and after describing the stone and the place it was from he assured us that he was giving us the Indian price and quoted the price for each.
Gita :Is that your price if I take all three pairs?
He:ah if you take all three I will have to make a deal of course.
(He picks up his calculator and after some detailed calculation takes 200 off the total.)
Gita:No, I don't want them.
(And I pick up my handbag.)
He:No madam. I want to make you happy. Ok, you go ahead and quote your price. Don't you like them?
Gita: "Not at that price, no, I don't like them."
He:This one is real sapphire and that is garnet and that one aquamarine.
Gita:No,the sapphire one is not finished to perfection. I just noticed a couple of defects. I have enough garnets. I am more interested in the aquamarine.
He: ok, I really don't want you to go away unhappy. Tell me how much you will pay for all three.
Gita:No, I don't want all three. I only want the aquamarine.
(I put the bag back on the counter and sit down.)
I notice that he is keen to know how much she is willing to pay and she is not willing to divulge it. Not yet! Later I learn that it is bargain etiquette that if you have stated a price you cannot go below it. It is understood that if he comes to that price you will take it.And once he knows your price his whole purpose is to make you go higher than that.And so you should never let him know what you are willing to pay.

He:Ok, tell me your price for the aquamarine.
Gita:See if this was less than 1000, I don't even think about it because I like it. But if you say 1000, I begin to think of whether I need it and of all the other stuff I could buy at that price, may be a Pashmina or something.
He: Ah Pashmina? You like pashmina? We have some excellent pashmina. let me show you. You don't have to buy. It is just to show you our quality.

And so we turned around to the pashmina section and he asked us if we would like some more kahwa. And I knew the afternoon was going to be even longer than I had originally thought.
The pashminas come down from the shelf, different shades and grades and we get explanations on which part of the sheep the wool came from in each case. He still wont tell us a price until we have selected what we like.Finally she picks up five and he starts with an asking price of Rs 14,500 for 5 and she refuses to budge from her offer of 10000 for 5. Meantime, an American couple have bought 3 pashminas @ Usd75 per piece right there under our eyes!

But closer to me the chess movements were being played to perfection by both, neither missing a single step or giving away any advantage to the other.He wants to wring that extra 50 per piece from her and she will take 5 or none if he doesn't agree to her price.

After 20 minutes of haggling over the pashminas, he agrees to Rs 12,000 for 6 but complaining it was his fault to have quoted us a fair price to begin with. He is only concluding this deal because he wants her to refer him to more of her friends visiting Bangalore.And he wants her to be happy!
She retorts by saying she doesn't really need them but is taking them only because she likes the quality even though she knows she can get it a little cheaper elsewhere if she looked around!
He tells us that if we can find it less than 3k in any shop in bangalore we could go back and he will reimburse our payment and we could keep the stuff for free!

And finally he throws in the aquamarine earrings too at Rs.500 (even though his break even price is 650!)and adds a gift of a pack of saffron and a papermache handpainted jewel box, all the time insisting that this was a deal in which he made no profit whatsoever. But of course, he says, one can't always do business with people, there are times one loses for gaining a relationship!

We walked out of the shop one hour later. I was completely dazed by this total new approach to buying while she explains to me how it is the same in Africa, Egypt and Turkey where the merchants are actually offended if you do not bargain. Since it a piece of handicraft or art, they do not believe in fixing a price. It is all about how much the buyer estimates it to be worth and whether the merchant is willing to sell it at that price. So the price differs between individuals and it is not dishonest at all. She tells me that they really appreciate when you know the real value of their ware, its quality and its worth. I guess this goes back to the time when the seller was also the maker of the goods he was selling! It must have given him great pleasure to talk about his ware and see them appreciated whether they were bought or not.
While there is practical sense in going into a fixed price shop and picking up what you want, this is sheer adventure. We seem to have lost out on an art for the sake of the security of a fixed price.

That was indeed a real shopping experience for someone who does not have the ability to get 50ps knocked off the price of a kg. of vegetable. This is probably the longest time I have spent shopping but I simply loved it. Next time you are in Bangalore call me, I could take you there, all for another delightful experience of 'making a deal' on a carpet or a shawl. But be prepared to spend an entire afternoon for this.

I had not focused on the issue of officially sanctioned massacre of street dogs in Bangalore as my previous posts on animals had drawm lukewarm or no reaction.But I am posting this today in response to a request received from the animal lovers of bangalore who have been active in protesting this cruelty against innocent animals. It is a sin to be silent when such things happen. Sometimes what is tragic is not the "strident clamor of the bad people but the appalling silence of the good people."

In this e-mail,Jeremy d'souza, an animal lover describes this operation:"thousands of animals have been subjected to death by strangulation, crushing their skulls with boulders after bleach thrown in the eyes to make the animal blind and docile."

These bloggers here tell you about the stories they heard during yesterday's march in bangalore protesting this cruelty in this post
"Everyone had a story to tell. Horrible stories. Dogs dragged out of their homes and taken away. Dogs killed in brutal ways. One man would block the drain once pups were inside and light a fire at the entrance. There is no need to describe what happened"

Animal lovers are not condoning the recent killings by stray dogs - but all we are saying is that there is a more sensible and humane way of solving this. Dogs have been on our streets forever? why is this problem so huge all of a sudden and why are the measures so cruel? Please also read a lovely post by Anita here on this. Sushruta's updates and startling revelations here.

If you feel that such extreme measures are uncalled for and with proper vaccination and sterilisation, it is possible to co-exist with dogs,please go and sign the petition here.

I have said this before in a post and say it again:
"Please raise your voice in protest against cruel treatment of animals for they cannot speak."

If you don't agree with me and are happy with the way the corporation and governement are going about this, I respect your opinion. But I am switching off comments as this issue is not open for a debate here.

I will leave you with a poem by Oliver Goldsmith:

Elegy on the death of a Mad dog
Good people all, of every sort,
Give ear unto my song;
And if you find it wondrous short,
It cannot hold you long.

In Islington there was a man,
Of whom the world might say
That still a godly race he ran,
Whene'er he went to pray.

A kind and gentle heart he had,
To comfort friends and foes;
The naked every day he clad,
When he put on his clothes.

And in that town a dog was found,
As many dogs there be,
Both mongrel, puppy, whelp and hound,
And curs of low degree.

This dog and man at first were friends;
But when a pique began,
The dog, to gain some private ends,
Went mad and bit the man.

Around from all the neighbouring streets
The wondering neighbours ran,
And swore the dog had lost his wits,
To bite so good a man.

The wound it seemed both sore and sad
To every Christian eye;
And while they swore the dog was mad,
They swore the man would die.

But soon a wonder came to light,
That showed the rogues they lied:
The man recovered of the bite,
The dog it was that died.

P.S: Other sites of interest:
Logicnothysteria
Bestfriends.org
EVANA
SaveBangaloredogs
Anirban

Watched an iranian film - Leila. A very insightful portrayal of a woman who is forced by her mother-in-law to share her husband with another woman because she cannot bear him children.Her husband finally gives in to her pressure only on condition that she would not leave him because he loves her very much. But in spite of all her strength she is unable to stay in the same house when he actually brings home another woman as his wife, even though she herself had given him her approval. The plot would fit as well in any Indian televison serial or film except that in this film all melodrama had been totally avoided and the feelings of all concerned portrayed sensitively.

Being a woman I could relate to Leila very well - her sense of guilt ( though entirely stupid) at her inability to be a mother and her inability to share the man he loves with another woman.But my son who watched the film along with me was completely outraged at the idea and the stupidity of the women and their whole approach to the issue. He could not believe it when I said this was as common in India even among the Hindus.

I remembered a story that my friend A had told me about her grandfather. She is from U.P. and this happened in the later years of the 19th century. Theirs was a family of rich landlords. Apparently her grandfather's first wife could not bear children. So she insisted that her husband marry again but the man loved his wife so much that he said it was impossible for him to love another woman.But his wife kept insisting until finally gave in on condition that the woman should not expect him to love her the way he loved his first wife. So they found a young girl from a poor family (one of the many daughters of a clerk who worked in their house)and fed her well and raised her in the house in order to get her married to the man when she became a woman. In`a few years the marriage happened and she gave birth to a child within a year. The child was immediately taken away by the first wife - she would be the mother of this child and bring him up. What could the poor gilr do? She knew this when she consented to the marriage, didnt she?And in the course of years, she gave birth to more children too but all of them called the first wife as mother and their own biological mother as "chhoti ma". And whatever she wanted she could not ask her husband but had to ask the first wife as that was the husband's instructions! Finally she was 60 when the first wife died, this is when the second wife became the lady of the house. By then her husband was gone too!
I have often thought about the two women and wondered whose sadness was worse -
the first wife who had to let her husband have another wife and live in the same house or the second wife who had everything and still could call nothing hers!

Perhaps for many who are in their 20s now, this might all seem like fiction. Sometimes real people are much stranger than what fiction can come up with! And guess what, the first wife in my friend's story was also called Leela, Leelavati!

A few days ago we had a discussion in this space on zoos, circuses and bullfights. Researching for more material I came across this disturbing video and write up here and here.

As for fights using animals it is another horror story - read about it here.
Please visit PETA (People for Ethical Treatment of Animals) to learn about the cruelties inflicted on animals for the amusement of humans.
As the banner line on one of the sites says:
"Please say "No" because Animals cant!"

As you come out of the Bannerghatta national park in Bangalore there is an enclosure which says: The most dangerous animal.You step in and you see yourself a mirror.May be it is true.

Can Woman exercise all the professions as Man?

It was Simone de beauvoir who said "one is not born a woman.One becomes a Woman."("On ne nait pas femme, on le devient") When I read it first I was about 20 and I interpreted it to mean that through cultivated behaviour and training which makes her gentle, charming and beautiful she flowers into a woman. I thought it was a positive thing to do train oneself and become that kind of woman. Little did i realise that it was precisely this that Simone was criticising - the conditioning which makes a person forget her personhood and become the role of a woman in its various forms - the subtle process of objectification by which she becomes something useful and acceptable for a man to have and showcase.

In the past 50 years women have demonstrated that they are equally skilled when it comes to professions which require mental and emotional skills. The balance is tilted more towards the male of the race where it comes to professions requiring physical strength. There are people who argue that a woman is not designed to do as much physical labour. I am not sure if this is true. I have seen that women who work in fields have a lot of physical strength and energy. Our body gets adapted to the kind of work we do. I have seen that if women work out with weights they develop atheletic arms .Perhaps we have not trained our body to do the same kind of physical work that men have been traditionally doing and if we started doing them I think our physique would get adapted and we could become as efficient as them there too.

In this context I remember a placard I read in a news item covering a protest by women in France which said: "There is no Housework Gene!"("Le gène du ménage n’existe pas") I guess that goes for any kind of work. We are not genetically incapable of doing this or that but it is just the rules imposed by our mindset born out of generations of social conditioning.

What do you think - can Woman exercise all professions as Man?
(I am not asking if they should or not which is a different discussion altogether.)

Well , love is in the air once again whether you like it or not - red hearts, red roses and teddies with the request " be my valentine" adorn shop windows.
Culture police is getting active in some cities to protest this "assault" on our culture.

Tv channels and newspapers are stopping people on their way to their business demanding their opinion on whether V day should be celebrated. No one has ever asked for my opinion on such important issues so I decided to use this space to air my opinion.(All those India today polls on such important issues like religion, education, sex, government, corruption etc...no one has ever asked me or anyone known to me. Who is responding to these?? Why am I not included in the sample????!!!)

Anyway coming back to the main issue, should Valentine's day be celebrated?
I believe anything that increases the general happiness quotient among humanity is to be welcomed even if it is just the gift shop owners ROTFL on the way to the bank - I welcome it. If there are more people, young and old , feeling happy today because of feeling loved and feeling special or simply because of receiving gifts, it is totally welcome.

Is anyone listening?I am all for Valentine's day, the cards, the celebrations and yeah the gifts too....but not those red hearts please I find the sight of human organs slightly troubling. I feel nausea and no love when I see a red heart.What next? kidneys and intestines? Please don't mind, i'll pass those.... I'd rather stick with wine and chocolates and cards and music ( That was just in case anyone was wondering how to make me feel special!! I feel particularly special with a bottle of Chateauneuf du Pape or Inniskillin Ice wine..)I hope there is no age limit for celebrating this "festival"??! I have been told that I will be "18 till I die", so don't let my age deter you.

Happy Valentine's day to those who think it is important and for those who don't
a happy feb 14th -hope you have a great day!

P.s: This is a post I wrote for valentine's day last year. My views remain the same and my readers have changed so I reposted it so as not to let this important day go unposted!!

I know I have been distracted with dogs and cats and their names while I ought to have been studying. But I had a genuine reason for needing this distraction - I had classes over the weekend and on Sunday on the way to class I lost my purse with all my credit cards, debit cards and my driving licence and it has been stressful making sure everything is in order. yesterday, there was a bandh call in this state and I could finally sort out things only today. So now I can get back to more serious issues for the argumentation.

Are you for or against the idea of Zoos,Circuses and games like the Bullfight?

Those who know me here know my love for animals and hence my views are definitely onesided. I am totally against circuses.
How can there be genuine pleasure in watching tigers and lions behave like frightened cats in a circus? Why do we want bears and monkeys to cycle and elephants to perform? What makes people enjoy a behaviour that is so unnatural to a wild animal? What is it they admire - the ability of the man to control such a fierce animal? What makes them want to see the king of the forest quiver before the crack of the master's whip? What makes the lion afraid - the pain of punishment?
Do human beings have a secret urge to subdue the natural behaviour of other creatures or is it a desire to feel control over others who are strong in their own way? Some times I notice this tendency among parents,teachers and bosses - an inexplicable satisfaction of ego by controlling others through fear and not by exhibiting natural superiority through other qualities.I find them so pathetic.

As for Zoos, I guess they are ok. At least the animals are not forced to behave contrary to their nature. And as their habitat is being slowly destroyed and encroached upon by Man, this is the second best alternative possible and they serve an educational and social purpose too. As long as there is no abuse and they are fed well, I suppose it is acceptable. Even then the issue is that by keeping them in cages and depriving them of their natural activities and slowly making them incapable of hunting for their food are issues that make one feel uncomfortable.

As for games like Bullfight, Boxing etc, I simply cannot find bloodshed amusing. So I cannot see why we cannot get rid of them and turn to other sports.

As I said in the beginning I know my arguments are all on sided but this is where I need your help: please throw some light on the other side, if there is one.

Are you for or against the idea of Zoos,Circuses and games like the Bullfight?

Names, as I have said before, are, like the third variety of greatness that Shakespeare spoke of, "thrust upon you." Well in my school days i'd have liked to be Yamini, Kamini, Ragini or at least Nalini which would have allowed me to share my name with a favourite teacher. But no, my folks had decided that I'd be a Usha. They had a Ravi and Chander before and they probably decided to explore the space in-between and came up with Usha! Or may be it was just that every 3rd child was named Usha in my days and voilà, I was the third wasn't I? Anyway, by the time I was old enough and brave enough to go to the gazette and have a name change, I had achieved enough notoriety to go with this name that I did not want to lose this identity. So here I am and even for writing a blog I could not come up with a fascianting name like Hyperactive Amygdala or Synaptic Catharisis (or Cathartic Synapses) but had to be the plain Usha. This is what happens to you when you are stuck with a boring name for 45 years.

Well, why this rant about a name all of a sudden? Ok, that is because the daughter of lady who gets our clothes ironed came today with a dog in tow. What with my natural instinct for socialising with animals, I needed an introduction so I could chat up the dog and endear myself. So I asked her what the name was and she responded "Rosie". Nice name, better than usha for sure but I had a problem with it. I looked again at the said canine and I could see without any doubt that it was a male. Rosie for a male dog? In my mind this amounted to cruelty and I was about to call the SPCA.
Poor guy, to be called Rosie forever. I was reminded of all the Radhakrishnans and Sitaramans who end up being Radhas and Sitas. But at least the dog had no way of knowing that he had a cute, sissy name like "Rosie" so he responded to that name with absolute dignity as if he was being called Caesar!

Then I realised that most of the mongrels are called Raja or Jimmy or Blackie or Peter if they are male and Ramu (if they're Tamil) and most females of the species are Rosie or Jikki (djikki?). And if it was a pomeranian it was Julie. (in fact my maid thinks Julie is the name of the breed and calls all poms "julie Naayi").In one friends house they called out to "Lakshmi" and out came the canine bounding with joy! My shock was almost similar to the time when I heard so much about a Mittal with the same first name and was so proud of an Indian woman who produced most of the steel in the world and then saw the photo for the first time!

Anyway back to names of dogs
Aren't the bigger pedigree dogs mostly Caesars and Cleos?and sometimes a Bruno if they are brown. Calling call them Tiger shows total ignorance that the real Tiger is a Big cat.Lassie became a common name for golden retrievers after the film and its endearing lead star. Spotty and Puppy and dolly are perhaps the least imaginative.Our colony has some of the dogs with most original names. Our own Sabapathy doesnt qualify for entry here because we "borrowed the idea" from the Tamil Film Sati Leelavathi. So here are the prize winners:
A daschund called Brandy
A Labrador called Pepsi
Another labrador called Random
A terrier called Bayroz
A mongrel called Biscuit ( pronounced Biscoot)
And Shib's dog Shadow ( She wanted to call it Kempe Gowda's shadow - even better!)
Two boxers called Kaaju and Badam who belong to our friends, the Sens.

I was terribly annoyed when I saw these cutest little pups of the world (Pug pups - ya same dog as in the HUTCH ad)at the Alliance Francaise the other day and guess what they decided to call them - Micky and Minnie. Can you believe it - MICKY and MINNIE!!! What is wrong with these people? I was so angry all of that day.

Anyway what would you like to call the Hutch Pug if he was yours? I will probably call him Karma or Carma, if I want to sound French!
(His/ her real name is Cheeka.)

(And ya, warning: I WILL judge you by the name you give your dog!)

Can media be totally neutral?

At first sight I found the question totally ridiculous as in my opinion, all media is ethically bound to be non-partisan and simply report facts. Well if it is that simple why is it that we have so many versions of news and why is there a following for each of them?

Why is it people snigger about the dull news reports from the government owned channels when all it does is present the news like it is: without any frills? We used to hear a lot of jokes about the dull and over cautious reporting by the newspaper The Hindu published from Chennai. It used to be said that even if an accident happened outside their office they would publish it only on PTI confirmation. And sports enthusiasts laugh about the "keen contest on the cards" predicted for every single match by the paper.

So it seems that while we complain about sensationalism of news by the media we seem to secretly encourage it too by subscribing to these channels, although not necessarily to their point of view. We like to shift channels between Jaya and Sun or NDTV and CNN- IBN to see what each has to say about an issue. We not only like to know the details of a statement by Musharraff or Manmohan Singh but we want to have an analysis of each, the interpretation of their body language and the elaboration of hidden meanings behind these statements. And when you get opinions from people belonging to different ideologies, it is bound to reflect in their opinion however erudite it is. There are so many channels just for News and every channel has a viewership - obviously they cannot all survive if they all said the same thing? What is it about the general public that makes them want to view these channels?

So in this context, is it possible for a newspaper to be totally loyal only to truth?
(like the Independent and the character depicted by Mithun Chakraborty so well in the film GURU where the criterion for publication of a news item is only that it is true.)

And in these days of grey, is there plain black and white in anything, particularly in politics? So what is more possible is that they do not publish or say something completely untrue or totally speculative. But even that seems to be acceptable in some cases as in the recent Cauvery tribunal announcement where the Television channels were constantly speculating and predicting violence in the state of Karnataka. Like preventive detection, they seem to be giving preventive cautions on what might happen based on previous trends rather than wait for something to happen and then report it without exaggeration.

Additionally, when media depends on its revenue from advertisement, is there not a kind of pressure on them not to be too harsh on their patrons?
As readers and viewers we are also happy to be exposed to different views and anlyses as it expands our thinking and presents diverse view points.The channels are obviously under pressure to grab the viewers with the result that the boundary line between reportage and entertainment is blurring.

Is is possible for media to be totally neutral in today's context? And even if it is possible, should it be neutral or should it take a stand?

"Should a couple tell each other everything?"
Is it important for a happy life together that the couple discuss and share everything?

When we were growing up, we had not seen much of discussion between my father and mother. My mother was aware of the general information on where my father was going what he did and how much of money he could provide for the family, what annoyed him and what made him happy. The details were never known.Sometimes when he asked her opinion on whether she was ok with a certain decision of his she invariably said "ya. whatever you decide." It was almost the same among our aunts and uncles too. When we were growing up there were a few times we resented this and when we questioned our mother on our father's decision and if she could tell us the reasons why he did something. The answer was always, "I dont know his reasons for doing this but I am sure he has his reasons and they are good."
Total surrender of one's life to the other and implicit acceptance of his decisons and reasons. What was at the base of this? Complete understanding and unquestioning love? or was it total submission to male dominance? I can't answer for her and she is not around. But it worked at that time and they were married for many many years.
I have also known families where the men left most of the day to day decisions to their wife or mother and were quite happy to be rid of quotidian headaches and did not even want to hear about what the women did.

Can it work today?
At least among most of the couples I know decisions are not taken unilaterally, the stronger person tends to have their way but a discussion is always there.And when something is left unsaid, it is usually for a reason - not to hurt the other or scare the other person. And usually what is not discussed is a source of a lot of trouble and in some cases severe conflict.
I know some of my friends who even use a common ID for their personal mails. Is this an indication of total openness? Doesn"t it also amount to sacrifice of personal space or are personal spaces redundant and meaningless once they are married? Is there also a sense of insecurity at the base of this need to be together all the time, to share everything, to tell each other everything? Or is it just the done thing and that's it!

Is it important for the happiness of a couple that they share everything?

P.s: I received a comment once where someone called me a trouble maker - hahah. But honestly, my intention is not to create any trouble. I seriously want other points of view for the argumentation.

Do you think one day Science will find a cure for all diseases?
One of the many questions I have been thinking about these past days. in case you are wondering why I ponder over such serious issues all of a sudden, it is because "Science and human progress" is one of the many subjects on which I may be asked to write an essay or make an argumentation about in my forthcoming French examination - Fourthcoming is more like it as the exams are on the 4th.
As my head was getting more and more muddled with issues relating to culture, society, science and economics I got a brilliant idea - why not ask the question here and take your views and use it all in my essay!
So here I ask the first of the questions:
"Do you think one day Science will find a cure for all diseases?"
And here's what I think about it:
While it is a desired goal to alleviate humanity of all suffering from diseases, what happens if all diseases are curable and humanity becomes immortal? Would the earth be able to sustain the population levels and would we have enough resources to go around? Would we then have to impose restraints on new babies being born? Wouldn't Earth then become a planet of very old people or would a body free from all diseases remain young forever?
On another level, when there is no death to fear, would we be motivated to make the best use of this life? Or would a kind of inertia set in as we know we have "forever' to do everything. What happens if we get bored with living forever? There is no escape route right - no hope of dying! So would we have schemes like a person could opt for death so that a new baby can be sanctioned to the family - someone would be allowed to bear a child or clone someone?
Bizarre right? I guess nature knows its job best and that's why we come with a short life span - so that the population is regulated and it is recomposed every now and then with new life.
While it is necessary to find a cure for killer diseases like AIDS and Cancer that take away so many young people, perhaps it would be a good idea not to find a cure for at least the ones that affect us in old age.
Death is not such a bad idea when you are 100. What do you think?

P.s: A friend pointed out that disease is not the only cause of death. What about accidents and murders and natural calamities? I agree. but aren't these just a small proportion compared to deaths due to diseases and old age? As for the natural attrition of the body, we seem to be waging a war there too with anti-ageing solutions.(Like they say today's 60 is yesterday's 40 and so on...) So isn't disease still a major cause of death?
Or we would then kill each other waging war and fighting for the scarce resources?
And if we are anyway going to kill each other then why even bother to prolong life with finding cures for all diseases?

Most bloggers write in order to be read. When I started my blog, I had all of 6 readers and since the comment feature was not available then, they would respond to my post via email. And if I didnt hear from them 2 days after posting, I would forward the post by email and make sure that they read it! I never felt any sense of impropriety about it because I wanted their opinion on things I was writing about -I wanted their point of view. It just seemed like an online forum among friends. Then the comments feature came in and once in a way someone totally unknown would drop by and share their input and slowly a nice group of blog buddies started developing. - people who you know only through their blogs and their comments on yours; but how does their appearance matter when you know their souls through their writings? Perhaps these are people you will never meet but will always count among your friends. The wonder of Internet.

The purpose of this post is to carry forward a meme whereby each blogger identifies a few blogs which do not get as much readership as they deserve.
Bombay diaries has traced the course of this link-love and it landed at my blog door via Shruthi who was so kind as to mention me in her post. Since the best way to say thanks for such thoughtful acts is to carry forward the goodness, I decided to identify the bloggers who I feel don't get as much readership as they deserve.Ideally of course, I would actually like to list all the bloggers on my blogroute as they all write on such varied topics and deserve to be read. Scanning through the list, I saw that some of you have a good readership and some post very infrequently. So I am choosing just 5 from the list for specific mention:

Chennai Living: Ram Viswanathan writes on a variety of topics from travelogues to politics to tips to non-residents on issues involved in R2I( return to india).. He is very mature and balanced and extremely well informed on technology related issues.

The Rationalfool: Rational to the core and hardly a fool, he touches on social, political and scientific issues of great relevance. Very well researched and well written with links that lead you to interesting information and knowledge.

Mahadevan: I like the relaxed way in which he leads us down the lanes of a bygone era be it while drawing portraits of simple folk or while talking about the irani hotels of Mumbai.

Hiphopgrandmom: This college teacher is naturally worried about issues relating to youth and education and is always there with a positive post - nice pepper rasam for the soul. The mom and grandmom side of her touches on the social aspects relating to women and children. She spins beautiful posts based on her experience as a mom, teacher and an intelligent woman.

Hermitchords:I found him just 2 days ago and have been floored by his writing, his style, the use of words and the flow of thoughts.

Like I said before I'd like you to read all the bloggers on my link and if any of you feel like carrying forward this link-love, please do so on your blogs.

And my original 6 readers, where are you? I here by choose my own blog as my recommendation for you to read and if I don't hear from you in the next week, every one of the posts will be delivered to your mailbox, multiple times until you respond!!!

I believe in the value of moments.The right things said or done at the right moment have the magic of making the moment special. You miss it and the moment passes into the realm of banality.

Sometimes you lose your 5 seconds of attention by forgetting to say a brilliant, funny or caustic retort which comes to you,alas, 5 seconds too late. And you feel disappointed for having given away that moment. Had you said the right thing it would remain a moment of glory for you, which gets repeated on many occasions and generally gets a golden edge. The French call it the L'esprit de l'escalier (literally, staircase wit)
Once you have let it pass, you try to call them back or send them an email with the retort or remark, it is not the same. The effect is lost. The moment is gone. You had it in your grip a little while ago but now it is lost in thin air!And what we have is nothing but a regret for all that could have been.

Sometimes it is sadder when we think we have all the time in the world with people and forget to say how much they mean to us or how much we love them - parents for example. We take them for granted or wait to tell them how we feel and then it is all too late. You cant tell a departed person how much they mean to you and even if you roared your love from the top of a mountain it makes no difference when the one that needs to hear it is gone. Haven't we all lost a friendship or a love or a deal sometime or other because we did not say or do the right thing at that moment? But if we do seize the moment and do what needs to be done, the moment passes into a precious memory and gets immortalised. And the right thing said at the right moment may even transform somebody's life.

A lot of people say that they believe in living for the moment and what they mean is that Now is a time to enjoy, have fun - without worrying about the past or the future.This moment is real so go ahead and indulge fully. ("Eat, Drink and be merry for tomorrow you die!")But sadly that is precisely contrary to what being in the NOW is all about - it is about DOING NOW - giving your best NOW, being nice to people NOW and not wasting NOW because NOW is the only certainty in this very uncertain world.It is about living every moment fully and not letting it go waste.

While L'esprit de l'escalier may be true for a retort or a joke, there is always a good time for doing the nice things we want to do or say.As a chinese proverb says "The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now."
And that is true of almost everything that you want to do, have to do and need to do.

In the past few days I seem to have got a fair idea of what motivates a lot of human activities - it is boredom. People make friends,play, write, read, dance, sing, listen to music, get creative - all in an effort to avoid boredom. Technology has kept up with the need with innovative tools - Mp3 players, chatrooms, online games, mobile phones, cable television - super smart ways to beat boredom. A few friends admitted to staying in their jobs just to avoid boredom - they did not know what they'd do with all their time if they stopped working.And I was most amused when one couple said that they decided to have a baby as life was becoming "boring" - what a profound motivation for procreation!

Boredom is not all bad - imagine if our ancestors had not been bored with daal and rice would they have created all the delicious dishes that make our lives so worthwhile? Would they have gone about building ships and exploring other lands and cultures? While some festivals were intended as worship, several were also for overcoming collective boredom, the original versions of "party"ing and they also gave birth to other art foms like folk dance, music and folk art such as Rangoli, madhubani etc.As someone said "The life of the creative man is lead, directed and controlled by boredom. Avoiding boredom is one of our most important purposes."
It seems that those who fought boredom became artists and creators and those who learnt to accept boredom became Saints and philosophers!

According to the Wiki, boredom seems a recent phenomenon.Apparently "The first record of the word boredom is in the novel Bleak House, by Charles Dickens, written in 1852,[1] although the expression to be a bore had been used in the sense of "to be tiresome or dull" since 1768."

Does this mean that prior to 1768, people were not bored? No,I think what this means is that, prior to this time people didn't talk of or complain about boredom. If they were bored they went ahead and did something to overcome it - if they were rich and powerful, they invaded the neighbours or had gladiators thrown in the arena with lions or got some artists to perform music, dance etc or set crazy competitions to suitors of their daughters; if they were ordinary subjects they went out and hunted, danced, played or sang or spread some rumour about someone they hated.Modern day man, devoid of some of these "pleasant" diversions,seems to have problems "managing" boredom and sometimes extreme boredom can cause depression and performance related issues.

One of the important things I have understood about boredom is that it is something one has to learn to cope by oneself. There is only a certain extent upto which others can help us overcome boredom but ultimately it is for us to learn to improve our resources adequately to handle boredom. As we grow older, the ability to indulge in social activities reduces and the number of friends also gradually diminishes, the next generation is usually so busy with their life to care about spending time with older people. This is when the hours hang heavily and if we have not equipped ourselves to beat boredom, life can become a major burden.

The other day I was really really bored - so bored that I actually ventured into a chat room on books and literature. And what do I hear from Amanda_24? "Am totally bored. Can anyone do something to get me out of it?" At 24 she is so bored that she wants someone else to get her out of it - I wonder what will become of her and people like her (who are not resourceful enough to beat boredom when they are 24)n when they are 40, 50 or 60 when no one cares if she is bored or dead. It is a scary trend.
But then boredom is apparently only the second worst crime. The first is what I have just done in this post - being a bore!
But at least I am not bored any more!!!

Passerby wants me to talk about 10 things that define my style - Yes, Style, Ishtyle, stylu - you heard it right!People who know me in real life know that style and I dont belong in the same sentence, not even the same page but what the heck, I will invent one for myself now!

Folk music is what I closely identify with - simple, no artifice, demands no skills - anyone who knows it can join in or you can learn as you go and it gets better as more people join in. And the things it talks about are quotidien stuff - the simple joys and sorrows that we all experience and can talk about. There is no difference or distance between the artist and the audience - everyone sings, everyone listens. That is my style of blogging.

Hibiscus - a flower that is always there unlike those other flowers which are prettier and fragrant but seasonal. You can always count on it to be available anytime you need it. Doesn't mind when you reach for it only when a jasmine or rose isn't available. No one who comes looking goes away disappointed. That is my style with people.

Mirror - neither flattering nor unfairly critical. Just say it like it is. That is my style with friends - no wonder I have so few friends! (In truth,most of my friends and even people who I am not so intimate with, who confide in me and actually seek my advice!)

Fish out of water - that is my style in parties and places where there are more than 4 adults I don't know but am forced to hold a conversation with. It is a matter of life and death and many times I prefer death to making the effort to be charming to strangers.

Holi- unrestrained, colourful, happy and noisy - that is my style with kids. I am such a willing victim to their charms that a four year old knows how to make me cry and get away with whatever he/she wants!!

Shahrukh khan's performance - usually boring but occasional flashes of inspired brilliance - that's my style of cooking.

Himesh Reshammayya's voice - Keep off and best avoided!! Or be prepared to face consequences - That is my style when I am upset or when you have done something to offend me.

Water - Take the shape and colour of the container, blend with the dish without standing out - that's my style in a team. The result is more important than my personal identity.

Government departments - That is my style of managing my time. Everything known well in advance, no changes ordinarily permissible, stick to rules, totally routine and boring!

Wine - my style of growing old (I hope!!)- getting better with age and time, thankful for passing through the press and ageing in the oak.When I am 80, I hope I will have a wonderful story to tell that I am proud of and which everyone wants to have a taste of!

I guess it is time now to sign off in style:
“Style is knowing who you are, what you want to say, and not giving a damn.”
-Gore Vidal.
NOw, THAT is EXACTLY MY STYLE!

"50,000 years ago, there are not even a million people on the planet. 10,000 years ago, there's, like, two million people on the planet. Now there's between five and six billion people on the planet, right? Now, if we all have our own, like, individual, unique soul, right, where do they all come from? You know, are modern souls only a fraction of the original souls? 'Cause if they are, that represents a 5,000 to 1 split of each soul in the last 50,000 years, which is, like, a blip in the Earth's time. You know, so at best we're like these tiny fractions of people, you know, walking…I mean, is that why we're so scattered? You know, is that why we're all so specialized?:

Jesse (played by Ethan hawke) in the film Before Sunrise.

Interesting thought.What do you think?

I just received a mail from a friend wherein she wonders what I mean by "Practise random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty." This is a statement I picked up while browsing randomly for something and it made so much sense to me that I add it to my signature in my mails.

If you had ever been at the receiving end of a random act of kindness you would readily appreciate its significance, how it touches you so deeply that you want to be kind to someone else in return just to unburden the gratitude. One such instance happened when we were travelling in England and had gone to spend a few days at the Brockwood park School where some of our friends were teaching.That saturday afternoon we had heard that there was a house about 6 kms away with a few hundred year old thatched roof which was open for visitors. We caught a bus to the place and spent the afternoon there, enjoying the tea and cakes that were served but on our return there was no bus. Since the weather was fine and we did not have much choice, we decided to walk back hoping we may see a bus on the way. After about 1/2 km of walking, a car stopped near us. There were two ladies, in their 50s who asked us if they could drop us somewhere. When we mentioned Brockwood park, they said it was just a little deviation from their way. Since it was a small car, it was decided that the two ladies and the 2 boys would take the ride while the men would walk until they found a bus. So we got in, the ladies were very warm and kind and insisted that they drop us upto the school, never mind the extra mile.We loved the ride and the conversation and got off thanking them profusely. We were not expecting the men for a few hours yet but within about 30 mins there they were - apparently the ladies went back for them all the way after dropping us as they were pretty certain that there was going to be no bus that afternoon that way and dropped them to the school too - now That is really going "out of the way" to be nice to people whom you may never see again in your life. I cant explain how touched we were!
Just try doing something for someone when you are not expected or obliged to do and see how much happier you are doing it and how fulfilling it is spiritually.

As for senseless acts of beauty I remember a colleague of mine who would surprise us all with things like flowers on our table one fine monday morning - a single rose /gerbera or marigold in a glass. No particular reason but to put a smile on his colleague's faces. On some days it would be a small piece of paper with a funny quote and another time it would be a lollypop! Totally senseless but utterly beautiful and endearing.It was simply impossible to be angry or upset with anyone on these days - life seemed so beautiful!

It doesn't require great acts of heroism to make a difference. Small and uncalculating acts like these will do!