There is something to be said about going to school again as an adult. I realised that it brings out some of the nice things in us which we forget as we grow old:
You do not hesitate to admit that you don't know something.
You make mistakes but still keep trying.
You can laugh at yourself with others easily without any hurt.
You prefer to keep things simple.
Finally,
you are not afraid of failing.

Simple principles but so tough to apply in our day to day life - wonder why?

I have always been fascinated by the picture of the two headed bird on the BMTC buses. The two heads look away from one another and its body seems to be made of gold. It is called the Ghanda Bherunda and it is a mythical two headed bird which was the symbol of the Mysore kingdom and now used by the BMTC in its logo. Not much is known of this bird except that Vishnu in the form of Lakshminarasimha has a shrine where he is worshipped in this form in the Pancha Narasimha ksetram in Andhra Pradesh. It is believed that Lord Vishnu took this form during his Narasimha avatar .
Hindu mythology and folklore has its own share of such interesting birds and animals,
Some of which are very poetic:
Chakora, a Himalayan partridge, the lover of the moon, is said to feed on the rays of the moon.
Chakravaha is a variety of duck. Legend has it that pairs of these birds are souls of two lovers, who are supposed to sleep apart at night endlessly calling to one another:
“chakava,,may I come” and “ No. Chakavi!”
The Chataka bird is supposed to be a type of swallow that drinks only drops of rain as they fall from the clouds and nothing else!
Hamsa, the swan immortalized by Ravivarma in his famous painting Hamsa Damayanthi, was supposed to be a celestial bird that separated water from milk!

But some of the undocumented mythical creatures of my childhood have continued to fascinate me. These were used by the elders in the house to bring disobedient children under control.
One was a man called Poochandi – his name was typically brought out to make children eat, go to bed early or when they refused to do something. My image of poochandi has been one who had matted hair, brownish, with an unkempt beard, red eyes and dressed in rags. Since he was only used to scare children, he was probably some kind of a cannibal who delighted on young human meat! Of course each family had a personalised version of poochandi depending on what they thought was scary enough!!
Needless to say that generations of children in tamil households have heard of him but he has never been seen!
Actually he has been a very convenient invention to make life easy for parents with troublesome children - wonder if he still comes in handy to the parents of today.

Two other creatures that have haunted my imagination from childhood are the vedalam and the pisasu – the former is supposed to dwell on drumstick trees while the latter preferred tamarind trees. They were usually supposed to be active during noon time and after dark! Well these were of both sexes and were disembodied spirits . Only their voices were supposed to be heard. They were usually looking to get into the bodies of bad children!
I have spent many afternoons under the drumstick tree in my house clandestinely looking for this Vedalam character but never had any luck!!
Perhaps he was so lonely that he went out socializing with the pisasu in the tamarind tree in the neighbourhood – who knows!

Today we learnt numbers in French class which just made me say in an obelix style “ The Gauls are crazy!”
It all starts innocently until you reach fifteen as each number has a distinct name. Then they begin to be called ten and six, ten and seven and so on. Twenty, thirty, forty, fifty and sixty also mercifully have their own names but the range of numbers between them still get called as twenty and one to nine, thirty and one to nine and so on - just like english you say and begin to relax thinking you have it all figured. And then comes the big blow! Seventy has no name – so the numbers 70 to 79 get called as sixty and ten to sixty and nineteen and just while you are about to say sixty and twenty for eighty you hear a new name for eighty – four times twenty! And so the madness goes on until 99 which is described as four times twenty and ten plus nine! And then hundred gets its own name – Cent!
Imagine a child of 4 looking at a number like 78 and figuring it out as sixty and ten plus eight - phew!

Hey ...but to come to think of it, 60 plus 15 sounds younger than 75 and four twenties does sound smaller than eighty - may be that is why they use these!!!!

There is a certain kick that one gets out of doing things outside the sphere of ones normal roles at every stage in life. Normally we have an urge to fast forward a little to the future and try out the things that are a little beyond reach or forbidden. There is a fantasy about the freedom and happiness of adult life. We spend our childhood and adoloscence in such a hurry to get to this promised land. Then we actually reach there and realise there is no such rainbow there and what is worse, you know that the remaining years of your life will all be the same and there is nothing that you want to hurry into. And you wish you had lived your a life a little more slowly enjoying all those earlier phases. Tough to rewind and replay.So when I saw an opportunity to go back and be a student again, I decided to give it a shot and enrolled for a beginner’s course in French with alliance francais.
The classes started on Wednesday morning at Jyothi Nivas College. It felt strange to walk into a class room and sit on one of those benches twenty four years after passing out of college – but there was a comforting familiarity about the ambience – same type of benches, the platform for the lecturer and the large black board. Thank God, some things in life do not change! It is a different kind of experience to be learning from the alphabets onwards at this age, sitting along with kids who are less than half your age and where the teacher hesitates every time she has to address you because she doesn’t know whether to use your name or stick to the safe “madam”. Some of the girls charmingly call me “aunty” while the male students take the safe route by addressing me “excuse me!”
I look around and see the kids earnestly struggling with the pronunciation, vocabulary and grammar as much as I do but I seem to be getting a little more out of the whole experience than any of them. They are learning only the language but I am learning much more by just being with these young kids and observing them.

“ ‘WHY?’ is one question that stays forever
in all the pleasure and pain of humanity
What remains is the question”
These words are from one of my favorite songs from a Tamil movie called “Apoorva Ragam”.
Down the ages, philosophers have pondered on the why of our existence and given us many theories. The why quest has been the spark for all our breakthroughs in science and technology. I completely agree that we would not be where we are today if men had not been asking Why.
One of the interesting and irritating phases with children is the “why phase”. For a while it is fun when they “why?” everything and you feel superior having all the answers. Then one day when you have explained a “why” at length to the minutest detail and are about to feel proud of yourself, you are thrown off balance with another “why?” That is when you save your face with a nonsense poem like:
why?
because the sky is so high
and the bee married the butterfly
in the month of july!

I thought I had heard the last of the whys when my son started looking up the encyclopaedia first and googling later.
Wrong!
The whys started attacking me from unexpected quarters.
First it was the spate of “friendly” salesmen from Eureka Forbes. When I tried to cut them off by saying I do not need a vacuum cleaner, they challenged me with a mean “why?” What followed usually was a long defence from me on why I did not need a vacuum cleaner, or for that matter any convenience gadget because owning them resulted in a lot of dependence on the vagaries of power supply as well as chasing the vendor company for after sale support. This went on regularly until one day it dawned on me that I could actually lie and tell them that I already have a vacuum cleaner.

Then came the endless telephone calls from marketing executives of credit card agencies who demanded that I explain “why” I do not feel the need for a credit card. I think I was getting older by then to face the onslaught. Result: I have 3 credit cards now.

The latest is “Why” I do not own a cell phone. When people I meet ask for my cell phone number and tell them I do not own one, their first reaction is that probably I am lying and that I do not fell close enough to share the number with them. When they are convinced otherwise, they look at me like I am a dinosaur. And then they start lecturing me on why I should have a cell phone – how their lives have changed since they started using one! Which is when i start pondering
"why,lord, why me?"

Wonder whether the poet had been harrassed in a similar fashion which inspired him to write those immortal lines:
(Theirs) " not to reason why..(theirs) but to do and die"

I was in Chennai last week end and we went to visit Chelli mami. My sister and I walked into her house unannounced and were welcomed with a warm smile that touches your heart and tells you that your visit is genuinely appreciated. Within 10 minutes we had been persuaded to eat (mami always seems to have extra food) and the drumstick Sambar and potato curry combination was perhaps the best meal I had in years now. I was reminded of the many times I had eaten in her house as a young girl and wondered how she managed to get the recipes perfect every time – it always smelled and tasted the same. When we left after half hour, she had packed a large bottle of tender mango pickles for us to take home. And all I remember of the time we were there is that we were laughing all the time – again like old times.
Mami is not one of those wealthy old ladies living a life of leisure. In all her 72 years of life there has never been a day when she has not had to worry about something or other and money has always been scarce. Having lost her parents as a child, she was brought up by a widowed childless aunt who worked as a cook to bring up the orphaned kids – mami and her siblings. After completing school, she worked as an elementary school teacher in a Sarada Vidyalaya school and was the bread winner for her family as the man she married was a very kind man but never made any money. Both mama and mami had a very large heart and were always helping their poorer relatives even though they had 2 daughters and a son to take care of. It was always amazing to see how they managed to do all this on mami’s meager salary as a school teacher. I have never known her to be insecure or worry about anything. There is nothing petty about her house – her heart is so generous that she gives away everything. It is impossible for you to leave her house without eating something – at least a cup of coffee. She has always lived in very small apartments but they seem to have a way of expanding to hold any number of people who choose to walk in, so much like her heart. She has so little money but in the final analysis, she is always the “giver”. And she gives you the things that you cannot buy anywhere for money – genuine affection, traditional simple food and lots of laughter. When you leave her house your heart is always light and stomach is always full.
Life has been pretty one sided in giving her more than a fair share of misfortunes but mami has never stopped laughing. And she never complains.I was happy to see that her children have inherited her ability to laugh. There was always laughter in their house and it continues to this day – they know how to laugh back at life whatever life may throw at them. She has taught them something they don’t teach you anywhere else and so tough to master.

Would you say that an overall score of 54% is too bad - bad enough to be expelled from a school? This is exactly what a school has said to the child of a friend. In the 9th standard she has scored 54% and the school wants her out because they do not want any child scoring less than 60% to appear for the board exams. Reason: It will affect the reputation of the school if they do not have a 100% first class result in the board exams.
Now whose fault is it if the child did not score first class marks so far? Is it not as much a comment on the abilities of the teachers at the school if they could not motivate the child to do better in the nine years the child was there? If a school chooses the brightest of children and gets first class results, why do we need a school?
In any case who decides these grades anyway? Is there room in the world only for human beings who can score 60% and above? Is the system so fool proof as to label children’s capabilities ? And for god’s sake, this is just school leaving certificate not a specialization degree. Do they realize the blow this has given to an adoloscent’s self confidence?
And the pity is no one cares. There is a long queue outside the principal’s office for application forms to admit children into the school.
If it is any consolation, we are not alone in this. There is a very illuminating article on this written by John Taylor Gatto, New York State Teacher of the Year, 1991. It is called the
“Six-Lesson Schoolteacher” (You can read the whole article at http://www.cantrip.org/gatto.html)

Here are some excerpts:
Teaching means many different things, but six lessons are common to school teaching from Harlem to Hollywood. You pay for these lessons in more ways than you can imagine, so you might as well know what they are:
The first lesson I teach is: "Stay in the class where you belong
The second lesson I teach kids is to turn on and off like a light switch.
The third lesson I teach you is to surrender your will to a predestined chain of command. Rights may be granted or withheld, by authority, without appeal.
The fourth lesson I teach is that only I determine what curriculum you will study.
In lesson five I teach that your self-respect should depend on an observer's measure of your worth. My kids are constantly evaluated and judged. A monthly report, impressive in its precision, is sent into students' homes to spread approval or to mark exactly -- down to a single percentage point -- how dissatisfied with their children parents should be. Although some people might be surprised how little time or reflection goes into making up these records, the cumulative weight of the objective- seeming documents establishes a profile of defect which compels a child to arrive at a certain decisions about himself and his future based on the casual judgment of strangers.
In lesson six I teach children that they are being watched.

Self-evaluation -- the staple of every major philosophical system that ever appeared on the planet -- is never a factor in these things. The lesson of report cards, grades, and tests is that children should not trust themselves or their parents, but must rely on the evaluation of certified officials. People need to be told what they are worth.
It only takes about 50 contact hours to transmit basic literacy and math skills well enough that kids can be self-teachers from then on. The cry for "basic skills" practice is a smokescreen behind which schools pre-empt the time of children for twelve years and teach them the six lessons I've just taught you
Institutional schoolteachers are destructive to children's development. Nobody survives the Six-Lesson Curriculum unscathed, not even the instructors. The method is deeply and profoundly anti-educational. No tinkering will fix it. In one of the great ironies of human affairs, the massive rethinking that schools require would cost so much less than we are spending now that it is not likely to happen. First and foremost, the business I am in is a jobs project and a contract-letting agency. We cannot afford to save money, not even to help children.
At the pass we've come to historically, and after 26 years of teaching, I must conclude that one of the only alternatives on the horizon for most families is to teach their own children at home. Small, de- institutionalized schools are another. Some form of free-market system for public schooling is the likeliest place to look for answers. But the near impossibility of these things for the shattered families of the poor, and for too many on the fringes of the economic middle class, foretell that the disaster of Six-Lesson Schools is likely to continue.
…the lessons of school prevent children from keeping important appointments with themselves and their families, to learn lessons in self-motivation, perseverance, self-reliance, courage, dignity and love -- and, of course, lessons in service to others, which are among the key lessons of home life.
Thirty years ago these things could still be learned in the time left after school. But television has eaten most of that time, and a combination of television and the stresses peculiar to two-income or single-parent families have swallowed up most of what used to be family time. Our kids have no time left to grow up fully human, and only thin-soil wastelands to do it in.
A future is rushing down upon our culture which will insist that all of us learn the wisdom of non-material experience; this future will demand, as the price of survival, that we follow a pace of natural life economical in material cost. These lessons cannot be learned in schools as they are. School is like starting life with a 12-year jail sentence in which bad habits are the only curriculum truly learned. I teach school and win awards doing it. I should know.

Speaking of a South Indian actor who is perhaps the most talented actor in India today, a lady said that her admiration for him came down several notches after she read about his extra marital affairs and that he had no respect for marriage as an institution. So…??? I did not understand what the personal life of this actor had to do with his brilliant acting genius and why he fell in her esteem.
Is it important for actors, writers, poets and singers to have a private life that is impeccable or at least “acceptable” to the society they live in for their talent to be recognized?
Is it not enough for them to be terrific in their job and have a private life of their choice however “immoral” it might be?
Does the charm in the writing of a Gide or a Wilde diminish because they were homosexual? Does the voice of a great singer sound less melodious if he is a misogynist?
Would Shakespeare’s works fall in value if we learnt about the skeletons in his cupboard?
Why are the prejudices and peeves of these professionals a matter of concern to the audience except in as much as they are part of their work?

Is this the result of the “Page three” and “pin up” culture that takes the private life of these people to the drawing rooms of people and makes them into “role models” for ordinary people and elevates them to the level of heroes? Then it builds the pressure on the “famous” to live a life that is expected of them by their fans and “followers”.
Why cant actors, musicians and writers just be treated like others with a special talent for their job and be appreciated as such for that skill and then be allowed to live their private lives the way they want? I understand the need to know about their private personalities if one were to marry them, work in partnership with them or entrust them with any responsibility that affected their lives (or the nation say, by electing them to a public office.) But why do we need to know about their prejudices and personality disorders just to go and watch their performance in a movie or a concert or read a book written by them?
And who is responsible for this? The “fans” who place these personalities on a pedestal, the press which thrives on fishing out juicy and gory details of the private lives of these people or the stars themselves who like to live out their life in public?

Is it all because there are no 'real" heroes anymore that people are desperately seeking to fill the void with these imaginary ones?

How would you like to live a life without feeling any pain?
Recently I read a news item about a five year old American child who was born with a genetic defect called "Hereditary Sensory and Autonomic Neuropathy Type-5. She does not feel any pain. Reason?
Her doctors say "Little tiny nerve fibers, the smallest of the nerve fibers, that are supposed to record pain, send that signal to the brain, so you can interpret what it is. Those fibers are not working," It is so rare her doctors don't know of another person with it in this country. Research done for her parents turned up a dozen known cases in the world.
Seems like a blessing? Hear this:
The poor child does not get the signal of pain from her body when she is hurt or when something is wrong with her body and so she cannot be treated until someone else notices it. Sometimes treatment can be started after what is ailing her has reached an advanced stage which often makes the treatment complicated and prolonged!
Although pain seems like a negative feeling, it is s signal from the body to the brain. It protects us, saves us by letting us know that all is not well.
Thank you God, for letting me “feel” pain.

I presume most people driving a vehicle have been punished for a minor traffic violation – conscious or inadvertent- at some point or other. It was certainly inadvertent when I lost my way on miller’s road yesterday and spotting a group of traffic policemen, decided to ask them the way hardly realizing I was turning into a one way street to go and meet them. Walking into the arms of Law as it were with outstretched arms to be cuffed! “You should have seen the sign board” I was told and further “where are your seat belts?” – So the fine was 600!
I explained that I had just removed the belt when I had got out to ask for directions before turning and the fine still stood at 300! Very gently but firmly and with a smile as a bonus, I was told that there was no getting away without a fine for entering a one way street even if it was to meet the policemen! And very politely and helpfully they gave me the directions for my way back with the receipt for the fine collected.
So I paid but felt very ashamed and angry. They were not rude and the amount was not huge but it hurt – it hurt to be considered an offender, to be punished with a fine! A youngster told me that he and his friends routinely pay fines for jumping red lights and driving on one way streets and that it was no big deal! “Happens all the time!” I was told.
I don’t know what it was about the values that were given to us by our parents and teachers that makes us squirm even about small deviations like this and we are unable to “Chill” when these happen.
I wonder what we have missed passing on to the younger generation that they can hit people sleeping on the footpath while driving under the influence of alcohol and still plead “not guilty” based on some loophole in the law.
You may say I am talking extremes here, but you get my drift I am sure…

Did you hear the president's speech to the nation on the eve of Republic day? It was a touching moment when he made the youth of the nation take a ten point oath. It was endearing as well as moving to watch him read out every single point of the oath and to hear the children repeat after him. One saw an eminent Indian, who in sheer frustration with the grown ups, was appealing to the children and youth to 'please" lead the country into a "heaven of freedom"( as Tagore had dreamed., which still remains a distant dream - perhaps more distant than when he wrote it.) Simple to practice, asking the priveleged ones to care for the less priveleged and ensure their rights, and be human . Time someone gave these thoughts to the children even if the parents are too busy trying to be "successful" in this world. and "pushing" their children on the same course. He encouraged them to fight corruption wherever they found it, even if it is in their own parents! At the end of it, he asked them, with his trademark smile and such child like earnestness " will you all do this?" and when they said" yes, sir!" he added, "good children!" It was all straight from the heart-pure,honest, simple - enough to bring tears!

Another moving moment came after the speech when they braodcast the national anthem sung in bits by eminent singers from all over the country, each in his/ her distinctive style - carnatic, Hindusthani, folk and film - men, women,young and old; but it was all in perfect harmony and nothing seemed out of place. One voice - the voice of India!
Why does this feeling come only while hearing this song or while saluting the national flag and saying "jai Hind!'. After this we go back to being a Tamilian and Bengali and Punjabi and Gujarati - what is wrong with us?


The ten point oath for children

• I will pursue my education or the work with dedication and I will excel in it
• From now onwards, I will teach at least 10 persons to read and write among those who cannot read and write
• I will plant at least 10 saplings and shall ensure their growth through constant care
• I will visit rural and urban areas and permanently wean away at least 5 persons from addiction and gambling
• I will constantly endeavour to remove the pain of my suffering brethren
• I will not support any religious, caste or language differentiation
• I will be honest and endeavour to make a corruption-free society
• I will work for becoming an enlightened citizen and make my family righteous
• I will always be a friend of the mentally and physically challenged and work hard to make them feel normal, like the rest of us
• I will proudly celebrate the success of my country and my people.

A few months back, when I slowed the car at a speed breaker, a boy of about 12 banged on my car window. He was crying. He pointed to a woman who was sitting on the footpath and said she had a heart problem and had to be rushed to the hospital immediately and he needed money for the bus. The woman had a long robe that covered her head and body and she looked like she would faint any moment. So I gave the boy a hundred rupees and told him to take her by auto to the hospital immediately. The boy didn’t even have the time to thank me and ran away immediately.
As I drove on, I felt pangs of conscience at my feeble attempt to assuage my conscience with a hundred rupees and leaving a young boy, still a child, to manage the crisis by himself. I wondered if she would survive the trip to the hospital, if they had eaten anything, if the hospital would admit them without money. I nagged myself to no end until I could bear it no more and turned back resolving to take them to the hospital myself if I found them at the bus stop. They were gone and all I could do was pray that everything turned out well.
When I came home, I was still troubled and narrated the whole story to my son, feeling awful about myself. But my son laughed and said, “oh,this is a standard trick. You find them all over the place.”
I felt cheated and angry. I felt that I had “wasted” my sympathy and emotions on people who would stoop so low for money. Then I calmed down and wondered what compulsion must have driven them to resort to such tricks –obviously they were hungry and needed money; they had no way of finding gainful employment. May be there was no bread winner in the house, may be there were younger children in the house, hungry. What else could they do?
Now, every time someone approaches me (and they often do, may be it is something about my face) with a tearful story, I give the money and go on with my life without agonizing over if I should have done more or less. I am willing to take the risk of being a victim of a trick than lose sleep over having turned away from some one who might have actually genuinely needed it.
I have heard that our ancestors used to wait for at least one needy person that they could feed each day before having their meal. Perhaps it is a good idea for us to revive the custom, even though india is supposed to be "shining" and on the way to becoming a "super power"!

These snow white birds in the mornings - with their exquisite long necks and yellow beaks, slender legs and measured steps
Pacing the empty plots with an air of a strict school teacher on inspection- i even look for hands folded behind their back, perhaps under those carefull arranged wings.
Nothing seems to escape their sharp gaze and there is air of complete confidence and superiority - slow deliberate movements, total grace , complete control.
They dont lose their poise even when they pick up a worm - bt they do it with the daintiness of a charming society lady picking up the hors'oeuvre , an air of refined taste and resume their strut. They ride on a buffalo's back with the air of a princess on an Arabian steed.
Is this what is known as "attitude" - yes, it seems it is not important what you do as long as you do it with a perfect attitude!!

On monday, one opened the eyes to a misty morning and chill wind and today before 6, there were crimson wisps of cloud on a clear blue sky. It was a pleasure to open the window and let the fresh breeze in.
Spring is already here – an early guest this year but very welcome. Time for letting everything in after three months of staying away from the natural feel of the earth, wind and water to keep the chill out. Time to turn the soil (and the self?) to let the heat out and get rid of the cracks on the surface and get soaked in the wetness and breathe fresh air. Time to be reborn- emerge from hibernation and get back to work on sprouting leaves and buds, and then the flowering and and fruition yet again. Time to seek and absorb fresh energy that the air will soon be so full of. Time for outdoors and indulgence of the senses on the fresh smells, sounds and colours. A time for rejoicing and rebirth.

They say christmas is a time of giving and sharing. But there are some people for whom it is christmas time all the year round.They give without thinking and it is a privelege to know them, meet them or just to be sharing the same planet at the same time as them.
Anu teaches in a college in Delhi. The degree class she teaches has R.K.Narayan in their syllabus and anu was totally shocked when she found out that none of her 45 students had seen the television serial "malgudi days". She decided to fill this great vacuum in their experience by buying a CD of the same. When she could not get it in Delhi she contacted Pankaz,a friend who contacted me to check if i could buy them in Bangalore. I got in touch with my friend Prasanna who knows the producer of the serial. He took the trouble to contact Mr. Narasimhan but found out that there are no Cds and the rights are with the television channels. So we closed the chapter. There was some disappointment but it was soon forgotten. Anu was still grateful for my efforts for someone I have never met. I have neither met her nor Pankaz whom i know only through the internet. But we all made the effort and tried to help.
End of story you think? No!
A few days later Prasanna got a call from Mr. Narasimhan, the producer that he had actually converted the film copy in his possession into VHS tapes, and would be happy to send it to the college. He had gone to the trouble of spending his time and money for a reason that the generation of today may hardly understand - he felt that if the children wanted to see it, he must find a way to facilitate that. So the tapes were sent to anu and screened in the college. The students enjoyed it immensely and anu wrote back to me that the screening made "" 45 raucous girls' eyes light up". They expressed their gratitude to Mr.Narasimhan for his kindness by sending a picture of the entire gang - 45 lovely faces, enthusiatic, smiling and grateful- with their signatures and a thank you card and a small memento. Mr. Narasimhan was touched by the warmth of the kids. As he looked at the faces on the picture, his eyes were wet.While the kids felt that they could not thank him enough he felt they were too generous!
End of story, you think? No!
This morning i receive a mail from Anu that Mr. Narasimhan had sent the college a photocopy of a book containing R.K.Laxman's illustrations of Malgudi days to be kept in the college library! When she wrote to me the book was still making the rounds among the enthusiatic kids lapping it up.
If they learnt something from "Malgudi days" i hope they learnt a little more form Mr. Narasimhan - I did! I am sure that he has touched 47 lives and taught us some lessons on being generous and doing it all so gracefully and naturally!
End of story? I hope not !
I believe the story will go on as long as we all make the effort to keep the spirit of selfless giving alive!

Last week the traffic police suddenly became active in Bangalore and were stopping passing vehicles for licence and other checks .I was stopped too and after checking my licence the young officer whispered to me "ma'm,please wear seat belts or i would have to fine you 300 rupees next time" and he was smiling. I thanked him and immediately strapped the seat belt on and proceeded on my way. Now this is one of the priveleges that you get with age - people believe that a forty five year old woman is not out on the road to speed and kill while it is assumed to be natural behaviour for a younger person. When you do violate a rule and claim forgetfulness they actually believe you. You are allowed to be forgetful, clumsy,disorganised and no one takes it seriously. In fact they even indulge you like the police officer did!
At forty five, life is less stressful than when you are twenty or thirty. At twenty, when you behave like a twenty year old you are asked to grow up. But at fortyfive, the same behaviour is considered charming! Being in a roomful of smart and gorgeous young women does not make you feel insecure. You feel it is easier to accept someone else as being smarter, better looking and superior without any grudge.You can offer sincere praise where it is due untainted by jealousy. You dont feel threatened by anyone and there is no pressure to compete.You can have your opinion on everything and young people actually listen to you and no one considers you opinionated. There is no fear about where you are going because you are not going anywhere anymore. You find it is easier and simpler to give - of yourself and other things.
On a personal level too, the new grey hair that you notice on your head when you look into the mirror does not bother you. In fact you have stopped looking at them long ago.There is less expenditure on cosmetics and beauty treatments as you know you cant lose those wrinkles which are trophies that you get for no achievement but for just having survived the battle of life.You can still go out when you have a bad hair day - almost every day is at this age! I think the best part of being forty five is the acceptance that comes with it - facts about yourself and the world.

Hear this : last month they have launched a new service designed to send emails out to your loved (or loathed) ones after you die
www.mylastemail.com is a service where you can leave "love messages, words of appreciation and encouragement" to those they care about after their demise. Three-year membership of the service costs $9.99.
and i always thought once we were dead, we became part of the universal forces and stopped feeling love, hatred and the whole lot!! it seems i was mistaken, as often.....it seems most people want to leave these even after their death.otherwise why would they start a service as above?
If we do have feelings and thoughts for people in our lives why not share them when we are alive? I am sure life would be much better that way than when we keep hiding them from those around us. On the other hand if they are feelings not worthy of being displayed during our life time why should we even bother about them after we are dead?
Unless of course you are part of a top secret group and you have sworn not to reveal information which you want people to know after your death for the sake of saving the earth....wish I knew something like that!
aneways, all ye nice people who read my blogs, I want you to know you mean a lot to me and Thanks for being a part of my life!!

MY friend Pankaz landed in the U.S.A for his new job at the Univ of South Carolina and this was one of his first experiences there:
“We were eating in a cafe, 5 of us, one each from Japan, Hungary, Czech, Sweden and I, at 2-30 daytime. Here comes a hefty black guys and starts talking, half of which I dont understand. He says, "i don’t have a gun, no education, I am poor, I want to ask a question...." etc. He is extremely dirty, long-bearded, has unkempt hair and most probably is mentally disturbed. Then, I look at him and turn my face, because I was shit scared. And after his speech, he asks, "Yes or no?" The swede replies, No. Then he points at me and shouts "This motherfucker is a racist." and goes away. I thank God that he didn’t pull out a gun.”
So out of an entire group of foreigners, it was Pankaz, the brown skin who was picked out because he looked different.
This brought back memories of my own experience in 1990. My husband was participating in the Salzburg Seminar at Vienna and on a Saturday a bus was arranged to take the participants to the Black Forest Region and Bavaria in Germany. My son and I were also invited to join in . So there we were, a bus full of people from all over the world, English, Irish, Australian, European and the three of us. At the German Border, the bus stopped at passport control. The man from the cubicle shouted something in German to the driver and the driver said something about “Inde” and so the officers came in and only the three of us were asked to produce our passports. It was amusing but humiliating too. Some of the other passengers were appalled too at this open display of “racism”.
I suppose it is a basic instinct to be suspicious of anyone who is “different”. We notice it among animals all the time. I am sure if we were to encounter a being looking like Speilberg’s ET our first impulse would be to scream and run. But I cannot understand this suspicion among humans based on the colour of skin or eye or hair after having shared the planet together for so many centuries and in this time and age where the distances between continents have shrunk and in the age of communication revolution through the internet. In fact in the past century, there seems to be an increase of xenophobia and racism. The internationalisation of the labour market and the concommitant immigration patterns and direct competition with migrants for welfare services are two of the reasons for this.
Much work is being done at a political, educational level in all countries and by many NGO s to weed out xenophobia and racism. But it seems to be well entrenched in the human psyche as seen from very recent events. This is one of the greatest challenges facing humanity today.
What will the future see? A world where people are able to appreciate and accept the differences among one another and still be able to respect one another and celebrate their differences rather than attempting to impose their own ways on others? Or one where everyone talks , walks, wears and eats alike( and much worse Looks and thinks alike )and not be very different from our mass produced and genetically modified vegetables.

I have been observing a particular trend in the well read, bright young people that I come into contact with. It is a mixture of large doses of cynicism combined with idealism.What disturbs me is that their idealism is not fired by optimism to change what they perceive as wrong but a defeatist and negative approach to Life. They don’t believe that they can actually make a difference at an individual level while still being a part of the system. (Oh, that would be "belonging" a definite 'nono')They believe that the solution lies in completely destroying the old order . "Okay and replace it with what? "
" well, Just leave things be. They will work out alright"!!! So that is our heroes in waiting , the rebels in search of a cause!
It is almost as though they feel cheated at not having been around during the momentous turning points in the history of mankind so they want to create one in their own life time. They completely distance themselves from the realities of today and go about in an alienation induced angst. They don’t believe in being sucked by the mundane struggle for existence that is for lesser mortals. They want to be martyrs, soldiers of a new order! Until that happens, it does not matter that they do not have the qualifications for a normal job. It does not matter that they cause a lot of misery to themselves and those that love them. "what difference does it make?" they keep asking.
It seems to me that we are previleged to live in this day and time when mankind has made such strides in all areas of human endeavour - arts, science and technology. True, we seem a little low on the human side and there seems to be a declining trend and this is exactly where if one wants to make a difference to the world , each one of us can do it in our own humble way without waiting for a major revolution; by being in it and yet be out of it -by just standing up for what is right, by not yielding to pressure in our simple dealings in day to day life. By spreading smiles , compassion and care around.
Or like Emily Dickenson puts is:
If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.

“ Going home?” asked the lady sitting next to me in the lounge at Colombo airport.
Thinking of familiar smells and sounds and sights, the warmth of my own bed I said “yes” with a smile. The word home always evokes images of comfort, warmth, familiarity and welcome in my mind.
Then I asked her “ What about you?” and she replied “ I don’t know where home is!”
She is a Palestinian lady who shifted to Jordan when trouble began and now she lives in Dubai. She has all the comforts that money can buy but no real “Home”. I remembered my Lebanese friend in Dubai who once told me that she had decided to shift to Dubai because she had a choice between living at home or living in peace. For the best part of the early years of her life her family had lived in Beirut, moving houses every six months and with the noise of bombshells in the background. She still wakes up at the slightest noise in the night far away from the shellings and so many years later!
Home is something most of us take for granted – where one can be assured of security and unconditional acceptance and where you ‘Belong” as a right. It is a pity that for millions in several parts of the world Home is not safe. And those others who are told that they don’t belong in the only home that their families have known for generations!
How blessed are those of us who have a home – albeit disorganized , dirty and corrupt. But how far away are we from Poet’s vision of Home and love being almost synonymous.
Home and Love
Robert Service
Just Home and Love! the words are small
Four little letters unto each;
And yet you will not find in all
The wide and gracious range of speech
Two more so tenderly complete:
When angels talk in Heaven above,
I'm sure they have no words more sweet
Than Home and Love.

Just Home and Love! it's hard to guess
Which of the two were best to gain;
Home without Love is bitterness;
Love without Home is often pain.
No! each alone will seldom do;
Somehow they travel hand and glove:
If you win one you must have two,
Both Home and Love.
And if you've both, well then I'm sure
You ought to sing the whole day long;
It doesn't matter if you're poor
With these to make divine your song.
And so I praisefully repeat,
When angels talk in Heaven above,
There are no words more simply sweet
Than Home and Love.