In recent times people have been reminding me that it is time for me to graduate to the status of a mother-in-law. When they approach me with proposals for what they consider to be "suitable" girls for my son, I do not know how to react.It seems so inappropriate. Some have even asked me what kind of a girl we are interested in (you know the slim, fair,"good" family line of criteria!) and I have had to disappoint them terribly by saying I have not thought about it at all. It seems beside the point what the parents want because ultimately what matters is what the boy and the girl want.I am convinced that arranged marriages will not work for the present generation young adults. They want to be the ones to find their partner and do not want to delegate it to the parents which is very good and very mature.And given the strong individualisms and egos of this generation, it is necessary that they know each other well before they take the plunge.

What interests me is not the matrimonial deals but the relationship changes in the two families after the marriage. Knowing that my turn would come sooner or later, I have in the recent years been a keen observer of the relationship dynamics between the young adults after their marriage and their parents. A few blogs I have visited over the years have also given me a perspective on some of the issues.But since there are more d-i-l bloggers and less m-i-l bloggers I find that we are underrepresented in the cause and decided to speak on behalf of my ilk.

While most girls seem to ensure that their closeness to their side of the family, especially parents remain as close after their wedding, parents do not seem to figure too much in the consideration of the boys.Particularly if the parents are financially independent,emotional dependence of ageing parents doesnt seem to figure anywhere in the considerations.They seem to only think of themselves, their career, the girl and their life together even when they are the only child of their parents. And when the sons themselves don't care the daughters-in-law do not make that extra effort to bond with their in-laws who become complete outsiders in many cases. One of my relatives with a similar experience told me "in earlier days we brought a daughter to our house when our sons married . These days we send our sons away to his wife's house."

I am not saying that the girls should become outsider to their own family after marriage like our old customs dictated.It is wonderful that even in cases where marriage may put a geographical distance to the family the emotional bonds remain just as close. But why is it too difficult to see that the relationship between parents and children are the same on the other side too and make that little effort to integrate into the other side of the family? I have known girls who are extremely popular and affectionate with their own family and friends but who'd like to maintain a distance with their husband's family just so that they are not taken for granted. I understand that these may have been formed on watching some bad saas-bahu relations between their docile mothers and tyrannical grandmothers or in their neighbourhood or on Television serials. But isn't it unfair to prejudge a person based on her role even without giving her a chance? And when you approach the relationship with sucha prejudice, how much chance are you actuallly giving it?

One of my friends collected speciality saris from all regions of India for 5 years before her only son's wedding to present to her daughter in law at the wedding and the girl told her ,"No mummy, these are not my type of saris." Another had her gifts of jewels rebuffed in the same way. Why? what is the big deal? In official relationships we bend over backwards to please arrogant bosses and go out of our way to be good team players - why is it tough to give in a little to please an old lady who gave birth to your husband and perhaps played a large role in making him all that you love about him today? There are issues when you should learn to stand up for your rights or put your foot firmly down but emotional intelligence is also about knowing when to give in a little without feeling insecure.

If only the young girls would try to give the relationship with their husband's family a fair chance in stead of typecasting people based on their roles! and if only the boys would learn a lesson or two from their own wives on how to treat their own parents! Old age is not about comforts and luxuries but about feeling loved and wanted and it takes very little to please parents most of the time.So if you ask me what my expectations from my son's wife would be, it is just someone who would give me as much chance as she would give her mother in our dealings.
Is it too much to ask?

Once on my return trip from colombo,I had a chatty neighbour.He was a businessman who regularly travelled overseas and had a lot of interesting stories to share.He decried how we had along way to go in changing our attitude to cleaniliness,politeness in conversation, punctuality, etc. He compared us to other countries which were much cleaner and friendlier even though they were behind us on several parameters such a higher education facilities and medical facilities. How Indians in Singapore respect rules of cleanliness but would spit at the airport the minute they landed in India. Blah, blah, blah.Things that one always hears from people who go abroad and return. I was smiling and nodding and mercifully it was a short flight. And of course I could see the truth in some of his criticism too.

Soon we landed in Bangalore and a minute after the seat belt sign was off my neighbour was already standing near the exit. In a flash he had got up,said a hurried goodbye,picked up his box from the overhead locker and made his way there so he could get out first and rush to the immigration counter and get out fast.It did not matter to him that in the seat before us there was a pregnant lady and in another there were couple with small children. How sensitive is that?

And this was the man who was critical of rudeness in people far less educated.I understand that our procedures take long and every minute's delay in deplaning adds 5 minutes to the wait in the immigration queue but isn't that precisely why persons with children, pregnant women and older people should be allowed to go first?
I was irritated with his behaviour as I always am after every air travel in India because people "always" behave like this. I can say "They" because I don't participate in this madness ever. Someone starts it and then everyone feels it is ok to follow. They're not guilty if they didn't start it.And it is the people who need to go first - the older people, the pregnant women, who stay in their seats as they cannot handle this mad scramble.

And the irony of it all is that our systems have a great way of levelling all this - I was secretly pleased when his checked-in luggage arrived late and hence we both left the terminal around the same time!I wish they would also have separate counters at the immigration for older people, people travelling with infants and pregnant women. I haven't been out of the country for a while now. Do they have them now?

Was reminded of this after reading Orchid's post here.I completely understand how she felt. And when I read this post by a foreigner visiting India,I felt ashamed but there doesn't seem to be much that one can do except not being part of such behaviour.