tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5974677.post593001212414553164..comments2023-10-09T18:12:29.276+07:00Comments on Agelessbonding: Vanaprastha* for the 21st centuryUshahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00179239922869639391noreply@blogger.comBlogger33125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5974677.post-51315367840309005712009-12-10T18:22:03.773+07:002009-12-10T18:22:03.773+07:00Good day !.
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It turns out that the only common interest they had was their children! If there's one thing that I've learned from my previous generation, it is this -- build a strong foundation with your spouse and develop your own interests irrespective of the children. Otherwise, you will land up being permanently emotionally dependent on them. They become your only "purpose" in life.<br /><br />b) You are so right about our infrastructure being woefully unfriendly to seniors (and others who need help like the sick or the disabled). That would be so so helpful.<br />But I do think that not all children are insensitive to their parents' needs. Sometimes, it is just too much responsibility. After all, they have a family and careers of their own to take care of. They may have children too, you know. Earlier, your son and daughter-in-law had a societal obligation. But with so many women working, they feel obliged to look after their own parents -- Should a girl's parents not expect any care from their daughter and son-in-law?<br />I have a feeling this is also a problem, especially if the woman has to stop working for the sake of her family and her husband refuses to help her parents out.<br />The bitterness begins and both sets of parents could suffer.<br /><br />It's complicated. I hope it is transitional phase and we will figure out a middle path.SShttp://www.blogher.com/blog/snigdhasennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5974677.post-52507021282182133722009-05-03T08:56:00.000+07:002009-05-03T08:56:00.000+07:00I dont actually know how I stumbled upon your blog...I dont actually know how I stumbled upon your blog, but this post is INCREDIBLE. As you rightly pointed out, need to take the best from the East (respect for elders, and responsibility towards the family, looking inwards, less obsession with the material world) and the West (respect for our own bodies -- gymming, taking vitamins, manicures, what-have-yous) to make our lives optimally enriching.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5974677.post-27904903441272932232009-05-01T09:21:00.000+07:002009-05-01T09:21:00.000+07:00This is probably the longest comment I have writte...This is probably the longest comment I have written ever :-)<br /><br />I've got a number of friends who face this problem..parents on one side and overseas jobs/careers (and kids) on the other.<br /><br />Somehow old age homes give you this image of Grey buildings with rude wardens... although some good ones have cropped up..the "stigma" remains.<br /><br />One of the reasons we moved back to India was to be there when people needed us..of course a good job helped...<br /><br />Though I live separately from my parents (everyone likes the independence), I am 15 min drive away. I would personally NEVER do the old age home thing. Its just not done...<br /><br />Again my views entirely...Vijayhttp://bangaloreblues.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5974677.post-57222185820120215412009-05-01T05:11:00.000+07:002009-05-01T05:11:00.000+07:00"Old", abroad, doesn't mean 50+ as you write..but ..."Old", abroad, doesn't mean 50+ as you write..but 80+!<br /><br />Here, old age + financial and physical health is the only way one can enjoy one's later years. Otherwise, "live long" is a curse, not a good wish.<br /><br />I am actually thankful that my parents are no more....<br /><br />And every day I say this shlOkA:<br /><br />"anAyAsEna maraNam, vinA dainyEna jeevam<br /><br />kripayA pAhi mAm shambhO, sharaNA gatha vathsala."<br /><br /><br />(An effortless death and a life without dependency....confer this benison on me, O Shiva, who gives parental love to those who surrender to You.)molarbear's postshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01450189828207113992noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5974677.post-33540339261001397352009-04-30T19:57:00.000+07:002009-04-30T19:57:00.000+07:00Always a pleasure to read your posts.
I read so...Always a pleasure to read your posts. <br /><br />I read something last night, something a parent said (I wish I knew who said it)- "Children are at the center of a parent's universe but parents are at the periphery of their children's universe."<br /><br />I wish I knew who said that but it clearly shows what a one way street of love it is between the generations.Pragyahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10108317267020057415noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5974677.post-86802128992694458632009-04-30T09:33:00.000+07:002009-04-30T09:33:00.000+07:00Hi Usha,
A few years back, I had written about a ...Hi Usha,<br /><br />A few years back, I had written about a related, and according to some, a much more "depressing" subject, the inevitable deterioration of the body, taking care of the aged, and their own facing-up of their mortality.<br /><br />You, and the readers of your blog, may be interested in it:<br /><br />http://harmanjit.blogspot.com/2005/12/deterioration-of-body.htmlHarmanjit Singhhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14714797381673153973noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5974677.post-40741960050875562062009-04-30T08:56:00.000+07:002009-04-30T08:56:00.000+07:00Hari: Yes, people must develop new interests which...Hari: Yes, people must develop new interests which keep them alive at any age. We are stuck with our traditional expectations in a changed society.<br /><br />Anamika: I think it would soon begin to happen, when I collect a bunch of friends and go on a cruise. :)<br /><br />Prathiba: I had no agenda about NRI kids or otherwise. I mentioned my cousins because it is a real life example. they could have been in Delhi and still been unable to come. And the focus of the post is NOT about children not taking care; it is about parents keeping themselves independent of their kids (NRI or otherwise) by finding other pursuits. <br /><br />Sujatha: Parents their are on their own but there is so much they can do if they choose to; here we need to go a long way in terms of societal stereotyping of old age and infrastructure support.<br /><br />littereteuse; So true.And it is possible to get over that sense of helplessness in second childhood.<br />Thank you.Ushahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00179239922869639391noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5974677.post-34958228527573927372009-04-30T05:53:00.000+07:002009-04-30T05:53:00.000+07:00It's like being a baby all over again. Only, this ...It's like being a baby all over again. Only, this time you are painfully aware of your helplessness and dependencies. <br /><br />Wonderful post, as always.<br /><br />gAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5974677.post-82645601059049876902009-04-30T05:10:00.000+07:002009-04-30T05:10:00.000+07:00Hi Usha, thoughtful post, relevant to so many of u...Hi Usha, thoughtful post, relevant to so many of us. I <A HREF="http://blogpourri.blogspot.com/2006/01/nri-parents-empty-nesters-but-lonely.html" REL="nofollow"><B>wrote about</B></A> this a while ago when I read an article in Outlook about groups formed by NRI parents - http://www.outlookindia.com/full.asp?fodname=20060206&fname=NRI+%28F%29&sid=1 (requires registration). <br /><br />It's the same story here with aged parents on their own for the most part.Sujatha Bagalhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02140274113596874518noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5974677.post-48407785419102590332009-04-29T23:54:00.000+07:002009-04-29T23:54:00.000+07:00Usha,
You seem to target NRI kids about not tak...Usha,<br /><br /> You seem to target NRI kids about not taking care, what about kids who live in Inida and don't attend to their parents needs?<br /><br /> Your answer to Raj's omment "Let us exploit the guilt of NRI children" I din't like it.Prathibhanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5974677.post-85318162068489845982009-04-29T22:22:00.000+07:002009-04-29T22:22:00.000+07:00No, they were Caucasians :) But yes, why not India...No, they were Caucasians :) But yes, why not Indian women. Hope thats already happening.Anamikahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11690656175070188212noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5974677.post-47622834936189916172009-04-29T12:40:00.000+07:002009-04-29T12:40:00.000+07:00"The best age-defying mechanisms come from our tho..."The best age-defying mechanisms come from our thoughts and not from applying creams and lotions"<br /><br />Those were golden words, Usha. The problem is our planning for life after retirement is limited to taking some Lifetime Pension Plan Policy. Even our society dont really envisage a life for people after 60, so they are merely left to exist and brood for the rest of their life. Most of the octagenarians are the ones who instilled a new passion for life after 60.<br /><br />Even from the health point of view, we dont invest enough on our health in our 40s with a view to reap the benefits in our 60s.<br /><br />So just as we plan our education, career and family we should also plan our life after 60.Hari the Hadronnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5974677.post-90490735991562861602009-04-29T10:08:00.000+07:002009-04-29T10:08:00.000+07:00Jina: Thank you.
Ugich: I agree - blogging is a v...Jina: Thank you.<br /><br />Ugich: I agree - blogging is a very useful way to connect with the world without limits. More people should come forward to share their experiences and perspectives. Darlene - I must check out her blog.<br />E-Vanaprastham - what a brilliant concept!<br /><br />sraboney:I think they begin to consider themselves old by the time they are 40. No, Parents should not force children into anything but I am surprised that it doesn't come naturally to the children that their parents might need them too even if they don't mention it. But then I am from another school.<br /><br />Sri:Yes I love those advertisements - nice concept.<br /><br />Diya: Even if we do not teach them that, it is what they see in the world around them. As children have adopted the ways of the west, parents should begin to emulate the parents of the west too and learn to stand on their own feet till their end.<br /><br />Mama-Mia:Start exercising NOW young lady, you have NO excuse for those creaking bones!<br />I am thinking of Salsa too or may be bangra.<br /><br />raj: Thank you. Please initiate something - senior citizens definitely need more avenues for entertainment and pleasure. Let us exploit the guilt of NRI children and also make sure that people learn to enjoy old age.<br /><br />2 b's mom:Good and safe public transport will go along way in helping old people get out more often and this will keep them much happier.<br />I definitely would not want to drive on these roads when I am 60 and 70.<br /><br />usha 2:I meant it to be just an observation. We need to realize that things have changed and in stead of moping about our loneliness we need to take things in our hands and live it up. After all, we have earned it all our lives.<br /><br />praveen: Yes, many people are happier feeling useful by contributing to society rather than by withdrawing from it all. They need to be with younger people rather than retire to a retirement colony. it is the pain of having to drive on bangalore roads that keeps me confined to my house most of the time.<br /><br />Shilpa: If only public transport was better, I am sure more older people will venture out for such activities.<br /><br />Mikhil: It is mostly in our hands whether we end up being a burden or enjoying the freedom of retirement.<br /><br />Sbora: I hope so too! best wishes!!<br /><br />Laksh:Thanks.<br /><br />Anamika:These were Indian women? wow! I wish I could do something like that. <br /><br />Maami: My maami's words had triggered the thoughts and your post catalysed it. Thanks to you.<br /><br />Harmanjit:Very true. Some people find happiness and comfort by being with those they love. But if it is not to be we need to find ways to keep ourselves happy.<br />Thanks for the link. Will check it out.<br /><br />Suroba: We are still in a transitional stage so these problems will exist. Once the mindset changes and the external world keeps up with the demands of senior citizens, there is definitely hope for a better life for older citizens.<br />Thanks for adding me.<br /><br />Hipgran: We either refuse to accept old age or wallow too much in it. Why not just treat it as a natural process and keep doing what our body and mind tell us to do?Ushahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00179239922869639391noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5974677.post-85797384866986995152009-04-29T09:32:00.000+07:002009-04-29T09:32:00.000+07:00You are right and one should age not only graceful...You are right and one should age not only gracefully bit also confidently.I've seen 50+,near retirement people hiding the fact that they are diabetic the same way that one tends to hide grey hair.Let us accept that we are indeed getting old, that it is a natural process and have the confidence to say I still have the will and energy to do so many things of my choice and if I must withdraw myself from active life and i'll do it my way.Hip Grandmahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16891699611146003601noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5974677.post-77545246933981450322009-04-29T08:03:00.000+07:002009-04-29T08:03:00.000+07:00Your post is very thought provoking. Being in US ,...Your post is very thought provoking. Being in US , I really feel the pinch as I think about my parents all the time and they are old, living in Banglore.Luckily, I have two sisters who stay very close by and run to their defense every time.<br /> As you said,being healthy is very important and expecting filial responsibility from children is ruled out in this era.Though I would say that it is easier said than done. Parents are most of the time dependent on their children either emotionally, monetarily or physically. Sometimes, these dependencies take the form of love.I don't have any kids so I don't want to comment on what to expect.<br /><br />A well written post too.Btw, I have added you to my blogroll.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5974677.post-50559126405158128852009-04-28T23:35:00.000+07:002009-04-28T23:35:00.000+07:00Boredom and alienation are there for everybody rig...Boredom and alienation are there for everybody right from childhood to old age. But in old age, time-bound "meaningful" pursuits (earning, raising a family, concern about the younger generation at home, building a home) become non-existent and lead to a gradual increase in sorrow and loneliness.<br /><br />Some elderly folks do manage to create either a) sustainable meaningful pursuits (becoming active in their community, social work, writing letters to the newspapers, writing letters to the younger generations in their family) or b) surrogate activities (walks, TV, religious rituals, learning a new craft etc.)<br /><br />But creating avenues for activities is no remedy for the sickness that is a human being's essential loneliness and separation. It is at best a palliative. Some manage to have palliatives which work in each phase of their lives, some don't.<br /><br />The significance of being alive is not to be found in biological and social goals. In my understanding, it can be found only in discovering the wonder of being alive in this eternal, infinite universe, and in living that wonder every moment, and in living free from the illusion and the neediness of one's self.<br /><br />No time is too late to embark on freedom from the human condition.<br /><br />http://www.actualfreedom.com.au/richard/articles/aprecisofactualfreedom.htmHarmanjit Singhhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14714797381673153973noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5974677.post-50142248210221164302009-04-28T23:21:00.000+07:002009-04-28T23:21:00.000+07:00Thoughtful piece Usha.Thoughtful piece Usha.maamihttp://maami.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5974677.post-8305910102234954202009-04-28T23:20:00.000+07:002009-04-28T23:20:00.000+07:00Lovely post. During my last trip to India, there w...Lovely post. During my last trip to India, there were 2 older ladies sitting in the same row as me and we got talking to one of them. Turned out they were a group of 6 women all over 75 years of age and they were going on a 2 week Europe tour one week of which was to be on a boat sailing down the Siene. The bonhomie and spirit among them had to be seen. One of them was travelling business class and she would keep coming over to chat with her friends and everytime she left, the others would wink/smirk/smile. Some inside joke I am sure but it was very heart warming.Anamikahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11690656175070188212noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5974677.post-46409710027532304082009-04-28T20:48:00.000+07:002009-04-28T20:48:00.000+07:00Thought provoking post as usual Usha. These though...Thought provoking post as usual Usha. These thoughts have been circling my mind for a while now and reading your post has made it even more current.Lakshhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05503711851256255540noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5974677.post-1104561927110908332009-04-28T19:56:00.000+07:002009-04-28T19:56:00.000+07:00you are so right Usha...it is all in the mind.
as ...you are so right Usha...it is all in the mind.<br />as always quite thought provoking. <br />i just hope that by the time i reach 'vanaprastha', i am still living it up!!Sukuhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03687700782885198456noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5974677.post-38051333843775946302009-04-28T19:38:00.000+07:002009-04-28T19:38:00.000+07:00Hey
As Jina commented,this post made me think.
Not...Hey<br />As Jina commented,this post made me think.<br />Not sure what to say, the state of being old sounds scary and being a burden.<br /><br />-NikhilNikhil Narayananhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01925886537201353625noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5974677.post-37339925079390573302009-04-28T19:30:00.000+07:002009-04-28T19:30:00.000+07:00You are so right. Moving to the US made me look at...You are so right. Moving to the US made me look at growing old in a whole new way. While I was used to calling 50 year old people 'old', now my whole perspective has changed. Life truly begins at 40 or 50 or 60 if you choose to. I keep telling my mom, who crossed 50 last year, that this is the perfect time to go to that reading class or anything else that she has been wanting to do, but could not because of her kids and work and home blah blah blah.<br />You write well.Shilpahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04697608510687945624noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5974677.post-29465462654317241852009-04-28T19:23:00.000+07:002009-04-28T19:23:00.000+07:00A distant uncle of mine deposited huge amount of m...A distant uncle of mine deposited huge amount of money in an ashram in coastal Kerala, where he was promised a good care like home. His kids are abroad and he has'nt shared a good relationship with his wife for the 30 years.<br />He quit the ashram in just 3 months as a nauseating feeling of boredom took over. Thankfully the admin refunded the money and he got himself a nice little flat in T'drum and is spending time with young boys discussing classical music, movies and advising people on investments.Praveenhttp://praveenscribbles.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5974677.post-24790635491533323912009-04-28T17:11:00.000+07:002009-04-28T17:11:00.000+07:00This is the third such story i have heard in recen...This is the third such story i have heard in recent times..an older cousin who just had both knees replaced, without her (US) children in attendance, a neighbour who passed away after coronary by pass in Bangalore with 3 almost middle aged children in the US...<br /><br />when my grandmother was hospitalized, we, the adult grand children took turns to stay with her at night, so that our older parents could go home and rest..when my mother was ill, we, the (by now older) children took turns to stay in hospital with her while the grandchildren went home :-) <br /><br />as you say, i am also not judging,because times change, but i have observed that where there is a real deep relationship, one wants to do things for the other and all other issues become secondary and vice versa .. this is really a commentary on the state of present day relationships..usha2noreply@blogger.com