My dear tele-banking services team

Rashmi, Rajiv, Lovely, Shruti and Pallavi at *&#$ bank tele-banking services:

Hi.A very happy new year to you.
Let me identify myself the way you recognise me.
This is customer nnnnnn.
My D.O.B. is : nn.nn.nn
My mother’s name is: XXXXXX

I tried calling you but unfortunately you were all busy attending to other customers although my call was important to you – at least that is what the recorded voice at tele-banking services told me. Just curious. Do the five of you always work together on every customer’s problems? I wonder why it took so many of you to solve my simple problem with a locked internet password. At least this explains why it is difficult to get to speak to any customer service officer any time of the day or night without having to wait for at least 5 minutes.
Remember you asked me after my call today if there was anything else you could do for me? Here is a list of what you could do to make me less irritated after the call.

I do want my problem solved and so I will tolerate being put on hold while you transfer me from section to section, from officer to officer. But while I am on hold please desist from trying to sell me loans or your other products. Is there something about my account that suggests that I may be in need of a loan? No? See, I am already your customer so I will come to you if I need any of these services. Hearing about these 5 times within 2 minutes is very irritating. I'd like to say a few things to that recorded voice too but I don’t want to become like that friend of mine who fights with recorded voices on phone. She tells them: ‘Stop talking in that slow tone to me. I may be old but I am not stupid!’ and things like that. Apparently it makes her feel good.
So where was I? yes, stop preaching to the converted and go and find some new customers to sell your products to. And I certainly do not want to hear about Batra’s clinic and their services however dependable and successful they are. Not when I am waiting to unlock my internet password and access my account. OK? Just register my request and I will be on my way. If you do want to keep me entertained while you are gone play me something like Chamrajpet Charles or Life in bangalore with Rajini sir a la FM 94.3

And that music you play when you put me on hold? Western instrumental hardly suits my mood when I am transacting with my bank. I’d prefer silence but if you must play music, I’d prefer some Indian folk music please. Could you make a note of it somewhere along with my personal details?

And what is with each one of you wanting my date of birth? I know you are not planning to pool your savings and sending me a bouquet on my birthday. I understand that it is for verification but what I don’t understand is why I have to provide it so many times within a single call. It is very irritating having to repeat the whole story to each one of the officers to whom the call is transferred.

And finally make that thank you speech short. After waiting for 10 minutes to get one request registered I have no patience for that whole speech: “Thank you Mrs. Vaidyanathan, for calling *&#$ bank tele banking services. Have a good day.” And please don’t be upset if I disconnect the call midway through this speech. Nothing personal you know. I just want to get on with my life.

Thank you and have a good day.