Lonely hearts

When my mother died, it was a bit of a surprise for me and my siblings to see how badly her death affected our father. Surprise because no one in the family had seen this closeness and affection demonstrated in the 34 years they had been married and lived together. Perhaps it was it was because he realised everything she had been to him only when she was gone and they went missing from his life. I even wonder if my mother ever knew that he cared so much for her. Or perhaps they shared a silent bond and were not demonstrative about it and we were not old enough to perceive how deep it ran. Even though he lived with my brother’s family or my sister for the rest of his life, we could see that he had become a lonely man after her death.

Solitude is a welcome change from hectic activity and togetherness and is required for rejuvenation. But loneliness is a very sad feeling particularly when one is old. And loneliness in old age seems tougher on married people than those who have accepted their single status and are mentally prepared to face their life alone. At least in our society, most married people do not seem to have thought of being alone in old age. At best , they plan for financial security through investments and insurance but do not seem much prepared emotionally to go through the dusk of their life all alone. In spite of the near disappearance of the joint family system since a couple of generations ago, there is still some sort of emotional dependence on children - particularly the sons. With the increase in the number of younger people seeking employment abroad , this generation of urban middle class senior citizens has less of financial problem to think about but face severe emotional issues associated with loneliness in old age.

Today we live longer though not always in good health. Most of us do not develop interests beyond our work and our family. So when children have grown up and flown away and retirement coincides, time hangs heavily. Recreational opportunities are also limited with traffic and other infrastructural issues especially in big cities. Some happily accept the job of baby sitting their grand children. Others increase the TRP ratings of B and C grade TV shows. Thank god for cricket and politics – these keeps most old men sane.

Societies in the western cultures have addressed this for over a century now and people equip themselves to cope with their life in old age They keep themselves fitter and develop interests such as travel to keep loneliness from attacking. They try to avoid any kind of dependence on their children – financial or emotional and equip themselves accordingly. In India too, retirement communities and old age hostels are coming up in response to the problems helping them spend their life in the evening of their lives with dignity and some sense of community. But is it the same as living among your own? I remember my paternal grandmother coming to live with us after my grandfather’s death. She must have been in her late fifties and she lived with us for over 18 years. She did not do much or talk much. She spent all her time sitting on a bench and observing all that happened in the house, sometime playing some games (like Pallankuzhi) with her grand children. But I think she was contented and happy to be a part of her son’s family, watching her grandchildren grow and did not want much more than this. Is it the same to live among strangers in an environment that acts like a hostel cum hospital?

I am a fiercely independent person and so I understand the argument about having to be prepared for a lonely old age and even turn it into an adventure and all that blah. But everyone has not had my advantages or opportunities in terms of education, exposure or reading. There are people who can only define themselves in relation to their family. I know many women of my age who exist merely for the three weeks that their children visit them from abroad. After they leave it is the memories of their visit and photo albums that sustain them until the next visit. I agree that all this has to change and people should begin to come to terms with reality and be more practical. And it will, in the generations to come. But the fact is, it is tough on many senior citizens of today.

A couple of days ago I went to visit a friend who was in Bangalore to visit her mother. She is 82 and lives with her son in Bangalore. She has no demands - eats whatever is served to her and goes back to her room and her TV. She would like some company but her son and daughter in law obviously have nothing to share with her. Nor the grandsons. But she doesn’t complain. It is only in the months from October to February that she finds the weather in Bangalore too cold for her arthritis and this makes it difficult for her use her limbs. Her daughters live in coastal cities in the south where it does not get cold. But each one is so busy with their lives that they are not able to take her to live with them. My friend was upset to hear her mother say: “I have 5 children but not one has the time for me.” And she is not complaining, just stating a fact. She was born in a tiny village in Tamilnadu, married at 12 and spent all her life taking care of her family, cooking for them, managing their childbirths and helping them bring up their children. I wish I could tell her to develop some interests and look upon old age as an adventure. I wish I had any words at all to make her feel better about her situation. I did not. So I did what I could to make me get it out of the system and feel better – blog about it.